Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Don't worry coz it is NOT domestic violence in my case (coz I have no 'domestic' to begin with) or not the 'fall in love over and over again' part (not exactly). It's how I always forgive people who had wronged or hurt me. But only the people I really care or I thought worth caring. Other people who are nothing or nothing much to me, I don't care if they hurt me or wronged me coz I don't give a damn; I don't get hurt. But when the people who you really care (from the bottom of your heart, if I might add) hurt you or wronged you, the pain and anger is nothing like anyone can imagine; it hurts so much and very frustrating since you can't do anything to make it stop.
But of course, there's the 'loop' so if they apologized or do something sweet to make up for whatever wrong or mistakes they had done, no need to say, you give up and accept their apology--> the 'loop'. Need I say more? Well, I've always been in the 'loop' and I can't get out of it. The 'loop' with my friend and the person that I like; the people around me. (I think family is excluded from this, at least mine is). I know I have to do something but that's the point; I can't. I'm too happy being in the 'loop', at least the happy part before the mistakes and after the mistakes. Twisted as it might sound, the loop makes me happy though I will be hurt at one point. And I don't call it a 'loop' for nothing; it happens over and over again; both the happy part and the hurtful part too.
Long story short, I was at the downside of the 'loop' 2 days ago but now I'm over the downside and back in the 'everything happy and nice' part of the loop. Still there and I hope the downside won't be coming too soon. Well, I can just enjoy this 'everything nice and happy' upside and just hope it would be some time before the downside decided to visit me again. Until then, peace from the 'loop'~~
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
my precious babies~~
Have you ever got this feeling when you're with someone? A friend or a special person... You got this feeling that you're so tired and feel like you had reach your limit; you feel like you cannot be patient/ keep up/ get along with that person every again. Usually you get this feeling when the same things/ mistakes/ fights happened over and over again. You feel so tired; even too tired to be mad or to yell at them or to just say anything. The only thing that came to your mind and came out of your mouth is 'I'm tired.'/'I don't think I can't do this anymore..'/ 'I think I had enough'./ 'I don't think I can keep up anymore'. Have you ever had that kind of feeling?
If you do, what you do at times like this? It's too tired holding on and yet you don't feel like you can just let go and move on. I just had THAT feeling today with someone who had been with me for almost a year. A lot had happened; we fight, we become good buddies again like nothing happened and so the cycle continues. Usually, things turned out ok, someone apologized or someone made up for their mistakes. and the cycle continues and I just forgive and forget. But like what someone said; WOMEN FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET... Perhaps I don't really forget about what happened. That's why I feel so tired when I thought 'Here we go again..' But I'm not mad anymore about what had happened in the past. I just feel TIRED to face the same thing again and the feeling doesn't go away.
I'm so tired and I really don' think I could go on like this. Perhaps I will; just like before. If you truly love a person, accept them for who they are? But what if by accepting them, you're forcing yourself to do things you don't really like? Or you're turning into someone you don't like?
But seriously I never had this kind of feeling; feeling really tired and just tired.What am I supposed to do? Time will tell? Hope so coz I aint got much time~~
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Déjà vu is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain.
Long story short; when something happened at a particular moment, you suddenly feel like you've seen/done/heard this before. I experienced 3 déjà vu ( I don't know the plural for it) this year; 2 with the same person. You don't feel it coming but then something just struck and you're like "I've seen/done this before!!" Yeah, that's how my déjà vu happened; the most recent one was last Tuesday at my lab. I got the feeling that I've been in that particular situation but I never noticed I was speaking Japanese or being in Japan; it was more like a distant yet full of impact kinda feeling. I'm sure everyone have at least one experience with déjà vu. No? Anyone?
But then again, there's the thing that you've been through and you think you had gotten over it but then it turned out you're not and whatever happened before happen again; the 'sarcastic and cruel' kinda déjà vu. For example, falling in love with the same person though you know with all your heart that he is just not for you and you thought you're over him but it turned out you weren't and now you're desperately falling in love with him again despite the FACT that you know how it will end; ugly and you know you will get tired and get hurt like before but you can't just stop yourself.
How about that kinda déjà vu; knowing how something will happen and how it will end but you are so powerless to do anything about it. That just sucks... I know and honestly I'm going through one myself. Yeah, what's new? (I know you're rolling your eyes, Miss!!!) But that is just what I'm doing. I don't mean to be sarcastic or ungrateful but EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Believe me because I've been both the 'saying' person and 'doing' person before, now too. So I know how both party feel; believe me. And no one can do anything about it. The 'saying' person will be like "Come on!!! Get over it already!!!" while the 'doing' person is like "I can't get over it!! You don't understand my feeling!!!" Bla bla bla and it might end up in a fight.
But to tell you the truth; both party are right; from their own point of view. No one can understand someone's feeling unless they have been through 'EXACTLY' the same thing and thinking 'EXACTLY' how the person is. Which is IMPOSSIBLE. I think the best way possible is for both the 'saying' person and the 'doing' person to just listen to each other although deep inside you can't just wait to scream out and tell them how you really feel coz at the end of the day, we don't expect someone to settle our problem (that would be great but let's not hope too much), we just want someone to listen to what we're saying and feel that someone actually care. *For women only, I don't know if guys feels the same..
So, I'm going through this déjà vu thing and I know how it will end and maybe with some luck, I can get a better ending than before (unlikely). And I would really appreciate if you could just listen and just... LISTEN. "We've been over this before" "I thought you've got over this" "You know what I'm going to say.." "You're letting it happen again!!" "Take control! Change the ending!!"----> this is the kinda thing that I wouldn't want anyone to say to me when this déjà vu thingy is going on. In the end, I just want you to lend an ear and listen for you're not in my shoes; you can never will be (not your fault btw) so could you please just listen and just be there. Coz this is the time I might need you the most. Tough love is great love but it can break you sometimes; especially when you're at your weakest. Who said love was easy? (they've surely never love or being loved----> families included). Loving and caring for a person can be so difficult for because of a touch; you can either hurt or heal... (wow, I just said something nice~~)
Conclusion; if someone is yapping and whining about the things you know they had been through and they're letting themself suffer again, the words "We've been through this" is an absolute no-no. Just listen and if you don't know what to say, say these exact words: "I don't know what to say because I'm not going through what you're going through right now. All I can do is just listen so just tell me everything you want to ok? I'll be here and I will listen to you..." Not so hard eh? But why most people find it VERY difficult to say these few words instead they would rather fight, scream, yell and hurt each other. Makes you wonder huh?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I used to think that knowing the ugly truth is important but sometimes it doesn't hurt to be lost in the beautiful lies. But recently, after some certain incident ( I would rather not say) I think I've kinda change what I think about this whole think. The so called incident; I was so happy and all peachy about the beautiful lies and damn, I was happy. But then I knew the ugly truth and it just ripped everything out; it was mind blowing. And I was left with shock and I refused to believe but then when the realization sank; everything made sense. And that was when the beautiful lies unfolded itself into the ugly truth.
I felt betrayed and for those who know me well, I can tolerate almost anything but BETRAYAL. Betray me and God know I could never look at that person's face again. Instead of hating them; I feel nothing towards them. After all the opposite of love is not hatred; but indifference. I've been betrayed a lot and I've hurt a lot. And just when I thought I know how to see through lies; I was informed that I'm not. Fine, I learn from my mistakes.
So what if you've seen the ugly truth and you don't like it? You'll learn to accept it even you hate it, even you can't cope with it; you'll learn to just accept it for it's the truth no matter how much you try to deny. And I've realized that you should be grateful that you've seen the ugly truth; for now you've known albeit you don't like it. Let's think of a person as an example. There's this person who's so nice and kind to you that made you feel they really care, that made you feel appreciated. And there's this person who most of the time is annoying and almost a jerk but nice and kind when you really need it (which is very rare). This is the simplest example of the beautiful lies and the ugly truth. Which would you rather pick? If you were actually to be with this person.
Turned out, the nice person is the beautiful lies (duh?) and the jerk is the ugly truth. But if you don't know that the nice person is really a jerk, a pretender, you wouldn't see through the lies and you will keep thinking that the pretender is nicer than the sorta kind jerk. But when you knew that the person was really a pretender, you would so appreciated the jerk for being the sorta kind jerk because you know that's the real them; that's the ugly truth though you don't like it, it's the damn whole truth.
I thought people could change for the better for someone. It's hard but if you put your mind to it, it can be done. But now I've realized; people can BARELY change who they are because that's the truth, ugly as it is. And if a person really cares for you, they won't expect you to change for the better, they won't ask you to be someone else. Instead they would accept you for who you are, regardless how the ugly the truth is.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
For one, today is school as usual in Japan and I don't think Japanese even know about this particular event. So, it's just like a normal Friday to them and sadly for us too. We wake up and then go to school. Just like any other day. Maybe we should celebrate during weekend but we don't have the time and the energy. Mid semester exam starts next week and I don't anyone have the mood to cook anything special. But we're still lucky cause some people were actually having their exam today.
I haven't got any class until noon because it's research time until 2. But my sensei (professor) went to Kyoto University for some research thingy and the next step in my research need him; so well, I had nothing to do. I did nothing much; did my reports and copy some notes. Then I went to class. So, again; everything is normal here. Just like any other day... Noting special. When I called my Mom later, she told me how they celebrated. They ate ketupat and rendang and everything delicious!!!! I ate Nestum for breakfast, instant noodle for lunch and leftover tomyam from yesterday for dinner. Huhuhu.. I want to go back~~
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Yes, it's classic. Yes, some people might think it's boring and honestly I too felt the same until recently. There's a few 'incident' that led me to actually read the book. First was the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire'. If you've watched the movie, then you would understand. The last question for the hero to be a millionaire was the name of the third musketeer. I didn't know and it was killing me. Then I found out that the names of the musketeers was Athos, Porthos and Aramis. That satisfied me for a while. The second incident was when I watch the movie 'The Ugly Truth' (truth be told; the movie is ugly and REALLy dirty). The name of Katherine Heigl's cat was d'Artagnan. Somehow that name ring a bell but I couldn't immediately remember. Then I found out it was the name of one of the main characters in The Three Musketeer. So, now I've known. The third incident was the ultimate knock-out. It was when I watched purely by chance a new piece from Mitani Kouki ( a famous script/screen writer in Japan). It's a wooden puppet drama title 'Neo-The Three Musketeer' (新三銃士). Some might think it's a little childish, (yeah puppets) but it's a very nice show. The puppets seemed real and filled with emotions. I really like it. But since the tittle is 'Neo' so there must be some changes and being someone who cannot bear not knowing; I decided to read the original novel.
Luckily our college library is filled with classic english novels. Not the recent or modern novels but all classic. And I found the novel in no time. So I began reading it between classes and I finished it in two days (4 hours exactly). Of course it was boring at first and the words and metaphors sometimes just lost you but when you've got used to the literature of it; it's a very enjoyable journey. And it's filled with suspense with all the conspiracy, the battle of witting and outwitted, and the fighting and you can't help feeling like you've become one of them; being there and just watch how things unfolded. And the story is told from a third point of view; like a narrator telling the story to us and I enjoyed it very much since most nowadays novels are usually from either a first or second person point of view. And it's really a satisfying experience; you can't never read what will be coming. And there are brilliant jokes and sarcasm with I found very charming. There were few times when I laughed out loud in the silent library and everyone looked at me with 'what's up with her' look. This novel gave me an insight to the life of people at that time and there are a few 'customs' I, probably we who live in current times couldn't understand. One of them is how they easily engaged in a battle (of swords of course) and literally fight to the death. You wonder how easy people were killed at that time all in name of honour (of them and the women they loved etc). And the second one was how easily they engaged in an affair. Yes, love affairs with married women. It was very refreshing; an age much diffrent to what we're living currently.
Of course, there will always be an ending to all novels and that is the saddest part for me. Finished reading a novel give you satisfaction but a bit of loneliness at the same time; now that you've known, now that everything had end, there's nothing to do. The suspense from not knowing and the excitement to know more finally come to the end with the end of the novel. Also that can be done is to find more excitement and satisfaction in another novels. And sadly, the end did come for this brilliant work of art. It was a little sad when I read the last few pages. Of course the ending concluded what happened to our musketeers and how they lived their life after all the adventures. It was a indeed a sad separation with the characters.
But then I found out Alexandre Dumas did wrote a few other novels about the main character, d'Artagnan and I would really like to read them. But of course our library doesn't have them and I might have to buy it on my own which I might do. Not now, maybe later because it's quite expensive here in Japan. In case you still haven't notice, I LOVE to read. Novels, story books, whatever but definately NOT the textbooks used during classes. Finding; encountering a book is like a meeting destined by fate; you will definately change after reading a book. No matter how small and insignifacant the changes may seem; you WILL change. Your world will seem bigger or perhaps smaller and somewhat different from before. And that feeling is vey addictive. At least to me. What kind of book will I read next? Is it a chick lit or a serious drama or a thriller or an adventure or a sci-fi?? Can't wait to meet my next book~~
Monday, November 23, 2009
After watching the movie, we gave ourself a treat from 31. (Here in Japan, Baskin Robin is called 31). I ordered Double Sundae; Chocolate and Caramel Ribbon with Chocolate Topping. God, I LOVE chocolate!!!! And the combination with Caramel Ribbon is NICE~~ After walking around anf bought some stuff, we went back. It was a very nice day out; the COMPANY is nice, the MOVIE was satisfiying, the TREAT was delicious; it was PERFECT!! A short get away before facing the 'sure to be hell' exam week starting next week. -_-
Thursday, November 19, 2009
1) Sesame Street
You must like what? Yes, Sesame Street. I think everyone know what Sesame Street is. For people who doesn't know, Sesame Street is a television programme for kids; using muppets as the main characters. I literally grew up watching Sesame Street and I even watch it up until certain age. (let that be a secret=)) Long story short, while I was browsing the Net at my lab (I was bored, ok?) I came across Sesame Street Top 10 Best Scene. I watched it and it just brings back memories. I LOVE Cookie Monster and I DON'T understand why people like Elmo so much. I also like Ernie and Bert and I STILL think Big Bird is kinda scary. Some thing doesn't change~~
2)Incapability To R&R (Realize and React)
I know I'm complicated; I don't even understand myself. But I don't ask people to understand me, I just want people to show that they care, once in a while is enough. And I become very frustrated when people act like nothing had happened; like nothing matters. Argh!!! Guys (yes, I'm talking about guys if you haven't notice..) and their insensitivity!!!! Just drive me crazy!! How could you act like nothing happened when the biggest thing in history just happened in front of your eyes???!!!! COME UP! WAKE UP!!! REALIZE AND REACT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I needed that~~
3) Love Test
My sister told me about a Love Test on Facebook. I tried it and it was very interesting. The questions doesn't seem related with the result but when you think carefully, they do have some significance.
a) You don't easily fall in love----> I don't? I think I do.....
b) You give 0% but expect 100%------> NO!!!!!! I expect a lot, yes but I don't mind giving too
c) You like to avoid problems -----> BINGO! I like running till I can't run anymore from probs
d) You like to see him(bf) a lot------> Hell yeah! Isn't everyone?
e) You expect him to change for you-----> Now that you mention it... hmmm... probably?
f) You stay in love for a long time------> Yes, my weakness. I can't forget that person unless I don't TALK, SEE and HEAR about them. Twisted? Yes, I know...
It's autumn in Japan, in Matsue but lately it's been very cold. And there's no comfortable, warm place to run to. During summer, the best place is our lab because it's so cool and nice. But now, it's still cool which is not suitable with the current season. But my lab member, Momi taught me a nice trick. The trick is to open the blind and let an appropriate amount of sunshine in, and just sat inside the pool of sunshine (ひだまり). And boy, it feels good; the warmth is just nice~~ Both of us sat there for quite some time (on the floor) until someone told us we were like cats; bathing in the warm sunshine. I don't hate cats, in fact I LOVE them (SANO!!!! BABY!!!!!) Now I understand the feeling to just lie down and bath the warm sunshine. It feels so good I'm going to do it again tomorrow =D
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
On Saturday, we had our foreign students activity; we went to Daisen to watch momiji. It was ok despite a certain annoying person. When we came back, I had to prepare to go to Osaka that night with bus. Ok, fine. I'm tired but I'll live. I'm going to Osaka not to have fun but to take an exam. Ok, fine. I still can go through with it. But then Nina called and tell me something that just made my world fell apart. Her senior; which I had known through her stories from the first time she met him; which I learn to like though I never met him; which I believe with all my heart that he's a very nice person, had died because of an accident. Nina was still in shock so she didn't say much but I cried hard. I cried for his misfortune; I cried for the future he will never see; I cried for his family and friends and mostly I cried because I know how much he meant to Nina; how much his friendship and his kindness meant to Nina.
I cried so much it puzzled me why. I never met this guy, I never even saw his face, all I know about him is stories I heard from Nina; from the first day she met him until the day before he died. Is it just me or it is just normal? I know how it feel to lose someone while the last you saw them was them talking and smiling; being alive. At first it just doesn't make sense. But when the realization sank it; you will cry your heart out; when you realize that they've gone and will NEVER come back again. And I probably cried so hard because I know how it feels; how much it hurts. And he was a very nice person. And when I think about the promises he made; that will NEVER be fufilled, how can I not cry?
Human never learn how to cope with losing; no matter how many time you've gone through it. Losing is never easy; never was. This is hard for me, and I know it's harder for her, but we'll get through this; we will. That is why human forgets; so that the pain will grew numb and slowly forgotten with time. And in this case, nothing can EVER truly heals the pain but time will heal the pain; it will make the pain bearable; and eventually it will help us move on.
If you still remember, yes, after hearing the news, I got on my bus to Osaka, alone. I realized that was the kinda of time when you really want and need someone by your side; just to be there and just to listen to you cry or just listen to your silence. And I did have someone. He wasn't by my side but he stayed with me as long as I wanted. I did called someone before I went out but it was a mistake; now I've realized. But as I sat at the station alone; surrounded by strangers who know nothing about me and my sadness; he called. God knows how grateful I was to be able to just talk to someone; to just cry to someone who care. Thank you for being there for me. You're a true friend; a savior; I can't imagine my life without you~~
In loving memories of Okamoto Kazutoshi (岡本和敏）Though I never met you and never will, I've come to know you as a nice and kind person; a person who was able to light another's day. Someone said a person's value is judged by the tears people cried for them when they died. I don't know how many cried for you, but I know that a perfect stranger had shed tears for your lost; you value that much. Your kindness and memories will never be forgoten; they shall live forever in our memory.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Yes, I've decided to stay.. Why? Because I can't imagine myself letting go and I don't wanna be miserable. And I know even if I decided to let go, I will fail trying; I'm not good at letting go especially without a closure. (Again, me rambling; ignore me). So, I'm just gonna stay and just enjoy the moment. I'm not gonna worry or think about the future, I'm just gonna live my current life to the fullest and when the time comes and I have to decide; so I will. I'll let the future 'me' handle that problem... (my fav quotes from How I Met Your Mother)
Btw, I LOVE 'How I Met Your Mother'. (Spoilers) I just love how Ted tells his kids about his life. And he had been through a lot of things with people he never expect. It shows how life is very unpredictable and how we should just take it as it comes and enjoy it!
I made my decision after I've watched an episode of Ugly Betty. Yes, I love Ugly Betty. (Spoilers) It's an episode when Betty and Henry decided to date secretly though Henry will be leaving in 5 months to meet his pregnant girlfriend. Betty almost gave up on Henry when Hilda said if she were given one more day with Santos(her dead husband), she will take even she know she will cry and be heartbroken after that. OMG!!! What she said when deep into my heart; it's something I've almost forgot.
There's a song I love. It's by Ronan Keating, If Tomorrow Never Comes. "Coz I've lost loved ones in my life; who'll never know how much I love them. Now I live with those regret that my true feelings for them never were revelaed. So I made a promise to myself; to say each day how much she means to me.. "
This is the exact same promise I've made to myself the last time I've lost my loved ones. Even until now I couldn't stop regretting that I've couldn't done more for them, I could've be kinder, I could've be more patient, I could've be angry lesser, I could've smile and laugh more and just enjoy the moment when they were by my side; no matter how hard the times were. And believe me when I say those kinda regret never fade; especially when you remember the times you had with them. 'If only I...... at that time...' So I've decided not to hesitate or to be shy to show how much I care, how much I love. People might say I'm too open, too straight-forward. But they don't realize how short our lives is. Our lives is too short to be shy to say I LOVE YOU, too short to just watch the person you like walk by instead saying hi, too short to just ignore them instead of just to look at them and feel how much you love them, too short to hold your tongue instead of telling them how they've been on your mind; to short to just NOT doing anything!
I've forgotten about that promise. And watching Betty last night; it just reminded me about what I've promised myself. To show how much they means to me, to show how much I love them, to show how precious they are to me; everything I could do so that they would know how much I care about them and how I feel about them.
That's why I've decided to stay; to hold on; no matter how twisted I will be, no matter how hard I will cry and no matter how heartbroken I will be later.I can't let go. This moment is to precious for me to just walk away. I know I will get hurt, I know I will be heartbroken but at the same time, I can look back and say "I've done everything I could. Altough things turned out to be like this, I have NO regret"
Saturday, November 7, 2009
In Bleach (Episode 160 I think), (warning: spoilers ahead!!!!) there's this one episode about Rukia and Kaien. Rukia was having doubt about where she should truly be.. She was worried about where she truly stand when she first entered 13th squad. Then she (Rukia) became close with her superior, Kaien and the thought escaped from her lips and he heard: Why am I even here? He started by asking what she thinks about heart. She showed her chest; where our heart is. But then he said that he thinks heart is found between two person. He said "When two person come in contact with each other; a heart is born for the first time. Heart is not inside our body. When we think of something, or care about someone, that is when our hearts are born. If you were the only person in the entire world. There's nothing to worry about. If you wish with all your heart to stay here, then your heart will remain here. If your heart is here, then that is the reason why you should be here."
Deep isn't it? His reply was so deep that it made me feel like it was the answer to the big question; he hit the jackpot (sorta). The big question: Do I truly belong here? If so why can't I truly feel happy from my heart? Why the doubts and worry about do I belong here crept into my heart from time to time? Those are Rukia's doubts and they were the same as mine. And his answer cleared up everything. I watched this episode when I was having the 'where do i really belong' doubts and it really went deep inside of me. What he said practically solve my problem(sorta). He used the word 'heart' but I think he was referring to heart as bond between people. It all make sense!!! If I wish with all my heart to stay here, then this is where I should be...
But it still doesn't solve my problem. I want to stay, with all my heart. But should I? And even if I decide to let go, will I ever be able to do so? They said when you love something let it go, if it comes back; it's yours, if not; it never was.. Bla bla bla.. I think that's B******T. The biggest problem is letting go, for God sake! Even if you think you've let go, are you really? That's not letting go, that's just driving yourself crazy and miserable.
Just like the movies, the hero let go of the heroin; he walked out of her life. But then he was miserable, isn't he? He lives but he's not happy. He's far away from her but he never stop thinking about her. How's that not miserable?? But of course, all movies have happy ending which means she will come to find him and they will live happily ever after; which does NOT work in real life. If you did the same thing, believe me, you woud be miserable on your own unless you wake up and started to LIVE your own life, not the miserable life of remembering his/her!!
What is letting go? Can we really let go of something just like that? Can we able to say that we never regret our choices of letting go? Can you ever let go without having a closure? And what can you do if you can't get one? Do you stay or do you what? move on? Will you be happy if you let go or would you be happy if you stay? That's the million dollar question, isn't it? I don't think anyone could give a immediate answer when I ask; SHOULD I STAY?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
My 'Mister' is my way of calling the guy I'm waiting. He could be my future boyfriend and hopefully my future husband. To me other names like Mr. Perfect or Prince Charming are a little bit cheesy for my own liking so I would prefer 'My Mister'. But I think you know and understand the meaning. All girls wait for their Mr.Perfect@ Prince Charming and I'm waiting for 'my Mister'.
Writing about love quotes yesterday really made me wonder who will be 'my Mister' and what kind of person he is... And though I haven't meet him yet (I think), I would really love it if he actually have these '11 Things ABout My Mister'.... Read through and tell me what you think~~
1. He understand my joke and would laugh at it no matter how stupid it is (vice versa)
* There is no bigger turn-off when I made a joke (purposely) and he just stared back at me; not understanding and not laughing. I have to admit a certain level of understanding is needed before people can see through my jokes (mostly black jokes) and nothing made me feel happier than to hear the laughter errupted from what I said~~
2. He doesn't smell (bad smell in particular)
* I have a very sensitive nose which I got from my Ibu and I'm very sensitive to smell/ odor/scent etc. And I hate a person that smells bad because their problem with cleanliness. (Seriously, I can tell..) It's hard to satisfy my nose but a neutral smell (no smell) or a nice not too strong perfume/deodorant/ cologne is just nice~~ I'm not exaggerating when I say; most of the time, I identify people by the way they smell... Some might think this is gross, but this is the way I am and I'm proud with my sense of smell....
3. He knows everything
* I've always admired my Ayah because he seemed like he knows about everything. He never said 'I don't know' whenever I ask him questions. And I really like it when he tell me trivial things. And I do hope my 'Mister' could do the same. Some trivial facts told between silly jokes and daily conversation; nothing can beat that. Learning never cease no matter how old we get~~
4. He knows when to let me go and when to catch me whenever I fall
* Many said they would like their 'Mister' to catch them when they fall. But sometimes I think people need to fall so that they could get up and learn from their fall. And I would really like my 'Mister' to catch me when I fall. But he too should know when to let me fall then help me pick up myself... When to do which might be a little difficult but if he really know about me; then he should be able to tell~~
5. He doesn't hesitate to use 'tough love'
* 22 years old now but I still act like a child especially when I'm stressed or doesn't get what I want. And I would like him to be able to say 'NO' and to tell me when I'm wrong. I may be mad and sulked around for a while ( a night of sleep to think) but I will eventually get around when I realize what is right and what is wrong. I didn't become 22 for nothing; I can be rational. But it takes time for me to realize the right thing and some more time to admit I was wrong.
6. He should be patient
* I still act like a kid if i don't get what I want, I have my moods from my pms (pre and post). And I usually say what I think; mostly without thinking of the consequences and I usually don't mean the horrible things I sometimes say. My 'Mister' should understand that this is what I am and accept me for what I am. I'll try to change for the better but he will have to be very very 'PATIENT'. Sorry~~
7. He must be older than me (maturity problems)
* Only now I know why Ibu put the 5 years min age diffrence. Age sometimes can be just numbers but age is also the numbers that showed how long you've lived; how well you know life. I've always thought myself as a mature person but now I know how wrong I am; never was. And my 'Mister' must be mature for me; to point out my mistakes, to show me the right way and to give me advices. And even it's hard for me to admit it; numbers in our age does show our maturity. Of course, he doesn't have to be 5 years older than me; enough to be a little bit older on the age but a lot older on the maturity~~
8. He knows when to speak and when to shut up
* I like to listen to people talking. But there's time when I just want nothing but silence. And I would appreciate it if he could talk crazy when I want to listen and just shut up and leave me alone when I want silence. Again, he have to understand me quite well to know when to do which. Ganbatte~~
9. He's a bit on the 'off' side
* I know you were like what???. But yes, I do prefer a guy who's a LITTLE BIT weird and quirky. It adds up spice to our boring life. We are all a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness.It's like icing on a cake; just a proper dose is enough. Too much or too little will keep you away. People around me know what my fav type of guy and it is NOT the handsome fashionable guys(Ex. Johnny's guys). My type of guys are usually guys with glasses (spectacles). Usually when I showed him to my friend (you know who you are~~), she would like 'Tak hensem pun~~" I know but somehow I'm attracted to those type of guys. What am I to say when my heart made all the decision??
10. He's willing to hear me out
* There's a lot "Follow my lead!!!" kinda guys. I don't think it's bad and I am willing to follow. But whether they listen to you when you think they're wrong is what differs them. I would like my Mister to listen to my opinion or POV before deciding on something. In the end, he might not listen to me (I'll get mad at that later) but his willingness to just stop and listen is what makes him special. Don't you think so?
11. He respects me as a person, as a woman, as a friend and as an equal
*No matter how educated he is, how smart he is or how perfect he is, everything will turn to zero when he looks down on you. And despite my wrong and my flaws, I would like him to accept me for who I am, see my good rather than my flaws and respect me for the person I am. And I will definately do the same~~
There! I've said it! It's so good to get it out from my system. Haha.. I'm not looking for a perfect guy; I'm looking for the one perfect guy for me. I know he's somewhere; maybe we've already met and maybe he's nearby. And if he could see me as who I am and still likes me, I promise I would do the same~~
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Today, we; me, mimie n our kouhais(juniors) went to celebrate (uchiage) since we made 'some' money during Kousensai last time. We went to Joyful (our fav restaurant), ate all our heart want and after that we went for karaoke. We went out at 11 in the morning and came back around 8. How's that for a day out?? =D
Btw, today's Japan public holiday; Culture Day. And today is my sister, Athirah's birthday!!! How that for a birthday? Your birthday is a public holiday~~ Haha... Happy Birthday Sis!!! May all your wishes come true though I doubt it would happen, I still pray for it. Another year gained meaning more heartaches and heartbreaks but some happiness and victory. Wish yours is equally even or more to the good side.... Whatever happens, always remember the things you still got instead of the things you've lost and the things gained from the pain and the things learned from the happiness~~
Today is such a nice day; I really had fun with everyone. Thank you everyone~~
But everything went down the drain when a stupid sponteneous action of mine turned out to be... STUPID and need I say more? The result is HIDEOUS. I'm still trying to repair the damage which I doubt I would able to do in a short time. Oh, boy!!!! This week's gonna be ugly.... But of course with some miracle, and if the world is a kinder place than I thought, then there will be slight chance that everything will be ok... Please be OK!!! I need this so much!! This is something I just couldn't give up even if I break~~
Okay.... I've picked up some quotes which I like... (about age, love, friendship etc...)
Tell me what you think and which one you found cute or deep etc~~
~from our birthday, until we die, is but the winking of an eye
*love this one!! so true and the choice of words are just up to my taste~~)
~knowledge speaks but wisdom listens
~being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
*I have doubt about this one...
~ the heart has reasons that reasons does not understand
*I agree 120%; sometimes what our heart want and what our mind think we should have; is not the same thing~~
~the sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love
*So true!!! Love is a roller coaster ride that you didn't even decide to ride
~it is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
*So true; they do say-->Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold
~true happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice
*Just what I'm doing. I might not have many friends but I know which one's a true one~~
~if you judge people, you have no time to love them
~a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out
*I would do the same for the one who had been through my thick and thin..
~what makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.
*My brother told me he likes it; it's from Hellboy. And I do think it's kinda nice~~
~gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love
* I seriously think Newton will agree to this =D
~how on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love
*most of the time, feelings can't be explain with numbers, equations etc: it's the matter of the heart =3
~it doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love
*no matter what, the first step in everything is to try; so does love I think....
~do you love me because I am beautiful,or am I beautiful because you love me?"
* I'm saving this to say to my 'Mister' ^_~
~LOVE: The irresistable desire to be irresistibly desired
*Complicated but I like it; it's true~~
~my grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.
* And we can never stop licking no matter how many times we got hurt, right? =D
~when you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams
* EXACTLY what I'm thinking today!!!! In the end, dreams are just dreams no matter how beautiful and sweet it it!! Reality sucks but I rather have it than having something unreal~~
~If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back theyd never ask you to.
*So true!!!! But when we love them, so we give them things to show a token of our love and appreciation~~
~We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
*I'll definately say this when I meet my 'Mister' =3
~I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.
*Agreed!!! Been there, done that (still there, still doing that).. Haha
~To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world
*Again, something I would definately say to my 'Mister' =3
Friday, October 30, 2009
I just finished my presentation that took almost 2 weeks to finish. I managed to do everything quite well despite my fever. I was wearing mask all the time since 'fear of infection'. Too late becasue my sensei was already infected with 'my virus' and now he's the one whose dowm with flu. Gomen nasai, Sensei!!!
Yeah!! I'm a free man (for a while!!!) Tomorrow, we will be going to Tsuyama for their Kousen Sai(Open College?). Yeah Yeah!!! It's been quite some time since I go out and just enjoy myself. I'm still tired because I couldn't sleep at all last night but I'm too excited to sleep just by thinking of tomorrow.... =3
Plus, I just finished tallking with Yuudai on the phone; he just passed his 2nd stage exam!!!! OMG!! I was so happy for him and I really hope and pray he could get through the last stage. (Yuudai!!! Ganbare!!!) We talked for almost half an hour; about everything, as always. Yuudai is a very nice person ... He supported me through my thick and thin and I'm planning to do the same.
I'm so happy today despite the long boring presentations. Now, those endless days of going through the books, facing the computers, staying back till dark at the lab, no proper sleep or rest, the headaches and the heartaches; the victory, the relief and the setback , the anxiety;; everything seem so far away and so meaningful; a nice memories made through hardship. =D
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The moment I reached Matsue, I was busy with moving all of my stuff back into the Girl's Dormitory. I was so tired because a lot happened after I got out from MAS plane. A lot~~ I just wanted to rest but I couldn't.
The next day, I went to school (already???). Yeah, I had to do some paperworks and I had to start my reseacrh again. So everything continued at a very high pace.
After that was Kousen Sai. (Open College??) We decided to cook Mee Tomyam. The preparation was very time comsuming and I had to do my research at the same time. So I was so so so...... very tired when it was over.
Of course I didn't get to rest much because after that comes the presentation for our research. That's what keeping me very buzy right now. We have to prepare the thesis and powerpoint; all in Japanese. I discovered something; looking at both Japanese and English will hurt your head; like hell. My data was in English (some Japanese) but I have to read everything and re-write everything in Japanese. God, my head hurts!!!!!
Of course after this presentation, there will be more events and things to do. I am so so tired and I really really want a nice long rest. But I know it won't be coming for quite sometime. @_@
And I really miss talking to my sister!!!!! I know she's buzy too.. But I really miss talking to her.... And it's just been a week? since we last talked... I hope we can find a suitable time for both of us soon.... I have so many things to tell her .. O(>.<)O
Monday, September 14, 2009
I decided to make 'Creamy Mushroom Spaghetti' so I bought the instant Mushroom Soup. This is my own 'too lazy to cook' recipe. I think it's quite good and it doesn't need anything, just hot water; how easy is that?
After that I cleaned my 'temporary' room. Tomorrow I will be going out to buy some things before going back so I won't have the time for cleaning tomorrow. My bus to Kansai Airport is at 10.30 pm. But I will be going to the eki(station) around 8 becasue the last bus from kousen to eki is at 8. I'll 'lepak' around the eki until 10.30. After that, I can just sleep on the bus. Hehehe. Can't wait to go back~~
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I never realized I was going back for just a week (10 days to be precise). But when my sister told me 'the ugly truth', I was shocked because I was packing my stuff for 2 weeks. The truth hit me hard; I thought I will be able to 'enjoy' for quite some time but a week? What was I thinking when I bought the tickets? Oh, right.. I wasn't... (sigh). I was too caught up with my exams and research.... (sigh again) Well, you don't always get what you want; might as well make use of what you get..
So, after my 'Sleepless Night in Matsue', I still cannot sleep in the morning because the people from KuroNeko(courier service) will be coming to pick up my bag. They said they will be coming in the morning. So I waited, and waited and waited but even when the clock showed 12, they never come. So I went to the office, and met Katsukabe Sensei who was on duty. He knew they will be coming and he too was worrying why they're not here yet. So he made a few calls and 5 minutes later, the guy came and took my bag. Bye bye, me baggy... See you in the airport in 2 days... =D
After that, I slept for a while and even when I woke up, I did nothing. I watched Sekai No Hate Made Itte Q, my favorite tv show. Funny as always. Then I found out my fav sensei is the sensei on duty tonight. There was nothing much to do so I just watched TV.
Tomorrow I have my dentist appoinment and after that maybe I'll drop by the lab to give Asano, my research member his birthday present. I hope he'll like what I've got for him.
So, there's nothing much to write here or pictures to show. But I will introduce a few songs from the anime 'Bleach'. I like them and maybe you will too.
To: Mimie... This is the song I told you about before you went back.
Song by Stereo Pony; ヒトヒラのハナビラ。Love the lyric~~
Till next time, see ya later~~
Saturday, September 12, 2009
~~~Warning: Otaku Zone~~~
I forgot how much I love Bleach and last night I was reminded why I like it in the first place. Everything about Bleach spells ‘cool’ and ‘kakkoi’ and ‘everything great and nice’. Hahaha.. Of course sometimes there are a few boring fights and sometimes you wondered isn’t that guy look like from another anime? Or isn’t his sword look like some weapon from another story? Well, there are a few weakness there but overall everything is great; the fight, the heart-breaking scene, the joke, the witty remarks and the ‘boke’ and ‘tsukkomi’ = NICE.
Like any other anime, the longer the story is, more characters come out. But unlike other anime who just concentrated on the ‘main characters’, Bleach was a world for everyone. Everyone have their own past, everyone is somehow related in a direct or indirect ways and for the first time since I started watching anime, I actually have more than one or two favorite character. Usually my favorite character is one from the good guy and one from the bad guy. But in Bleach, it’s hard not to love everyone; probably because everyone have their story and everyone’s story is told (in details) and you couldn’t help falling for them when you know their story no matter how sad, how twisted or how lame. Plus, not that I’m bragging but when if you can understand Japanse, the words they used and the sentences; the effect is deeper than reading subtitles. Only at times like this, I can honestly say “I’m glad that I’ve learned Japanese..”
~~~End of Otaku Zone~~~
Of course after no night sleep; I was so tired and I slept; until noon. After I woke up, I did my laundry and started packing. There’s one thing I’ve realized; no matter how big your bag is (mine is very big = gedabak), it’s never enough. I thought I’ve limited things to bring back but only when I arrange them in a pile, I realized: truth never seems so intimidating. And because I’m not a good ‘packer’, in fact me packing = throwing everything into something and zip it up. My younger sister; both of them are excellent ‘packer’. They can fold up and squish anything in any bag and what took me one bag will only cost them half the bag. Yes, sometimes I feel jealous and I tried to pack ‘carefully’ but usually I give up midway; I was never the ‘perseverance’ type.
After finished packing (halfway), I decided to go out for a walk, buy food for ‘buka puasa and ‘sahur’, and maybe take some pictures while I’m on it. It was raining this morning and when I was out; it was cloudy. The weather just affects me and I entered the ‘blue’ mood. Today is Saturday, I was alone in the dormitory, my studies are not going so well, plus all the other ‘not so happy things’ and the blues just get to me. But while I was walking, suddenly there was a strong wind and when I looked up; the wind was blowing away the grey clouds and the bright sky slowly appear; it was breathtaking. I took a few pictures of it. And I was up and about once again. It was like nature was trying to tell me; behind grey cloud, there’s always the bright sky; it will surely come out after all the rain.
From The Gate
When I came back, I meet Yamane Sensei; he seemed like he wanted to talk with me but I wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone (except some people) so I just talk a little with him and when to my room. I did a little packing, did nothing ( what me n my sister like to call ‘nganga’) and surf the Net while waiting for Maghrib. This is my ‘feast’ for tonight and for ‘sahur’.
Mini Maru Soumen, Donbei Soba, Anman (Pau Kacang Merah)
Nothing much because I don’t have the mood to cook or even to think about what to cook. All I could think right not is what to ‘ask’ my Mom to cook for me… Can’t wait to go back!!!! There’s no place like home and there’s no food like home meal~~~
My 2nd post and I think I will like this blog writing routine. It's making me 'move around' to find things to write and pictures to show. It's a good motivetion to get me out of my room.
Till next time, see ya later~~
Friday, September 11, 2009
My first post~~
Finally i managed to get over my 'identity crisis' and after a 'push' from my 悪友 aka Partner in Crime; Mimie, i decided to start my blog tonight; the night Mimie go back to Msia and leave me here alone... huhuhu
As some may know, i really like to write (stories etc) so now that i have my own blog, i cannot wait to write some of the things i've experienced and how i feel...
(of course after a proper censorship; i still need some privacy, right?)
Today is friday, 2009.09.11. Early this morning me and Mimie went to 島根大(Shimane University)... Not to play of have fun but to take entrance exams. the course i took was Material Process. There was only me and another Japanese guy (lucky me!!)
I think i did find. after we finished everything and came back to kousen, i went to see my fav sensei which is my research sensei (Niinobe Sensei) and i showed him the question and how i did it. he said my answer was better than he had expected but who knows, right? the result will be out this 18, which is the day the result for yamagata university will be coming out. Two in a row!! Kowai!!!!!
After that, Mimie and I had a nice day out. we went to our favorite shopping place 'Shimamura' and after that we decided to go to karaoke for a while; an hour. When we were about to enter the room i noticed that my sensei and a few of my reserch member were in the next door. what a coincidence~~
We had quite some nice time singing and we finally found our 'theme song'. It's 'Long Kiss Goodbye' by Halcali. Some people might know this song if they have the same hobby as i am: anime. It's the ending song for Naruto Shippuden. I really love the song so i told Mimie about it and she liked it too. We sang it and we decided it's the best song for our theme song.
After that we went to our favorite family restaurant; Joyful!!! We ate and as a treat to ourself, we ordered dessert. American Cheese Cake for Mimie and Milk Crepe for me. Yummy~~
Then we went back and Mimie packed her stuff and she left for Osaka. I was feeling so alone when my keitai rang. Guess who??
Hint: the only person who can make me laugh and feel everything's gonna be fine no matter how bad the situation is. Answer: Yuudai. He really knows when to call me or to leave me alone. Thanks Yuudai!!! I feel better after talking to him. Poor Yuudai is down with flu. He'll be having his exam on the 20th. Hope he can get well before the exam. Ganbare, Yuudai~~
Anyway, that's all for today. See ya later~~