Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The 'Loop'

Do you have the 'loop'? Where do you do the same thing over and over again no matter how many times the same thing happens and you promised yourself this time it's going to be diffrent. An extreme example; domestic violence. The wife can't never get out of the 'loop' because when the husband apologize she would think this would be the last time; he won't do it again. And the loop continues until something or someone help to break the loop; usually intervention from outside. Another example; a typical example is how people always fall in love again and again with the same person (usually a bad boy or a bad girl). They treat you wrong, you give up; they apologized, you accept. And the 'loop' continues.

Don't worry coz it is NOT domestic violence in my case (coz I have no 'domestic' to begin with) or not the 'fall in love over and over again' part (not exactly). It's how I always forgive people who had wronged or hurt me. But only the people I really care or I thought worth caring. Other people who are nothing or nothing much to me, I don't care if they hurt me or wronged me coz I don't give a damn; I don't get hurt. But when the people who you really care (from the bottom of your heart, if I might add) hurt you or wronged you, the pain and anger is nothing like anyone can imagine; it hurts so much and very frustrating since you can't do anything to make it stop.

But of course, there's the 'loop' so if they apologized or do something sweet to make up for whatever wrong or mistakes they had done, no need to say, you give up and accept their apology--> the 'loop'. Need  I say more? Well, I've always been in the 'loop' and I can't get out of it. The 'loop' with my friend and the person that I like; the people around me. (I think family is excluded from this, at least mine is). I know I have to do something but that's the point; I can't. I'm too happy being in the 'loop', at least the happy part before the mistakes and after the mistakes. Twisted as it might sound, the loop makes me happy though I will be hurt at one point. And I don't call it a 'loop' for nothing; it happens over and over again; both the happy part and the hurtful part too.

Long story short, I was at the downside of the 'loop' 2 days ago but now I'm over the downside and back in the 'everything happy and nice' part of the loop. Still there and I hope the downside won't be coming too soon. Well, I can just enjoy this 'everything nice and happy' upside and just hope it would be some time before the downside decided to visit me again. Until then, peace from the 'loop'~~

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

the wrong person for all the right reason...

You can always hear people say 'He's not the one' 'You deserve better' or 'He's the wrong person for you'. And deep down inside, you know they are the wrong person but what if they were the wrong person but for all the right reason? You like them for who they are, they make you a better person, make you happy etc and who they are is everything right; everything you have wanted and you needed. But what if that is not enough? What if they are the person with all the right reason for us, but then they are just 'NOT' the right person; the wrong person. What do you do when you like a wrong person for all the right reasons. Which should you trust? The person or the reasons?  I seriously don't know..... And it's killing me not knowing.....

Monday, December 28, 2009

Why Am I Here?

Have you ever had this moment? When you were doing your usual job, homeowrk maybe, studying or in my case; polishing my precious babies, you stop and ponder; why am I here? How did I get here again?Anyone? No? Well I did; while polishing my babies; something that can be called my normal routine for these past 3 weeks. And I wasn't be able to give 'myself' a satisfying answer and I got depressed though I was up and happpy a few hour ago. Probably what happened yesterday came back to my mine; how the lab I used to feel so excited to go become a very dreadful place to head to. But I have to go; for my babies. Nothing else matter right now. No matter how I hate going to that dreadful place; probably because it always make me hope a little too much than I should only to be disappointed later on,  I still have to go. We usually don't get what we want in life; usually what we have right now is nothing like we had imagined. But even so, there is always something important; something worth sacrificing; something worth protecting. So, just ignore everything else and just concentrate on that one important thing. And probably things would just fall into place; probably even better than you had imagined. It doesn't hurt to hope, right? It would make everything less dreadful and a little more bearable =)

                                                             my precious babies~~

Have You Ever?

Have you ever got this feeling when you're with someone? A friend or a special person... You got this feeling that you're so tired and feel like you had reach your limit; you feel like you cannot be patient/ keep up/ get along with that person every again. Usually you get this feeling when the same things/ mistakes/ fights happened over and over again. You feel so tired; even too tired to be mad or to yell at them or to just say anything. The only thing that came to your mind and came out of your mouth is 'I'm tired.'/'I don't think I can't do this anymore..'/ 'I think I had enough'./ 'I don't think I can keep up anymore'. Have you ever had that kind of feeling?

 If you do, what you do at times like this? It's too tired holding on and yet you don't feel like you can just let go and move on. I just had THAT feeling today with someone who had been with me for almost a year. A lot had happened; we fight, we become good buddies again like nothing happened and so the cycle continues. Usually, things turned out ok, someone apologized or someone made up for their mistakes. and the cycle continues and I just forgive and forget. But like what someone said; WOMEN FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET... Perhaps I don't really forget about what happened. That's why I feel so tired when I thought 'Here we go again..' But I'm not mad anymore about what had happened in the past. I just feel TIRED to face the same thing again and the feeling doesn't go away.

I'm so tired and  I really don' think I could go on like this. Perhaps I will; just like before. If you truly love a person, accept them for who they are? But what if by accepting them, you're forcing yourself to do things you don't really like? Or you're turning into someone you don't like?

But seriously I never had this kind of feeling; feeling really tired and just tired.What am I supposed to do? Time will tell? Hope so coz I aint got much time~~

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Déjà vu (Rambling; read with cautions)

(From Wiki)
Déjà vu is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain.

Long story short; when something happened at a particular moment, you suddenly feel like you've seen/done/heard this before. I experienced 3 déjà vu ( I don't know the plural for it) this year; 2 with the same person. You don't feel it coming but then something just struck and you're like "I've seen/done this before!!" Yeah, that's how my déjà vu happened; the most recent one was last Tuesday at my lab. I got the feeling that I've been in that particular situation but I never noticed I was speaking Japanese or being in Japan; it was more like a distant yet full of impact kinda feeling. I'm sure everyone have at least one experience with déjà vu. No? Anyone?

But then again, there's the thing that you've been through and you think you had gotten over it but then it turned out you're not and whatever happened before happen again; the 'sarcastic and cruel' kinda déjà vu. For example, falling in love with the same person though you know with all your heart that he is just not for you and you thought you're over him but it turned out you weren't and now you're desperately falling in love with him again despite the FACT that you know how it will end; ugly and you know you will get tired and get hurt like before but you can't just stop yourself.

How about that kinda déjà vu; knowing how something will happen and how it will end but you are so powerless to do anything about it. That just sucks... I know and honestly I'm going through one myself. Yeah, what's new? (I know you're rolling your eyes, Miss!!!) But that is just what I'm doing. I don't mean to be sarcastic or ungrateful but EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Believe me because I've been both the 'saying' person and 'doing' person before, now too. So I know how both party feel; believe me. And no one can do anything about it. The 'saying' person will be like "Come on!!! Get over it already!!!" while the 'doing' person is like "I can't get over it!! You don't understand my feeling!!!" Bla bla bla and it might end up in a fight.

But to tell you the truth; both party are right; from their own point of view. No one can understand someone's feeling unless they have been through 'EXACTLY' the same thing and thinking 'EXACTLY' how the person is. Which is IMPOSSIBLE. I think the best way possible is for both the 'saying' person and the 'doing' person to just listen to each other although deep inside you can't just wait to scream out and tell them how you really feel coz at the end of the day, we don't expect someone to settle our problem (that would be great but let's not hope too much), we just want someone to listen to what we're saying and feel that someone actually care. *For women only, I don't know if guys feels the same..

So, I'm going through this déjà vu thing and I know how it will end and maybe with some luck, I can get a better ending than before (unlikely). And I would really appreciate if you could just listen and just... LISTEN. "We've been over this before" "I thought you've got over this" "You know what I'm going to say.." "You're letting it happen again!!" "Take control! Change the ending!!"----> this is the kinda thing that I wouldn't want anyone to say to me when this déjà vu thingy is going on. In the end, I just want you to lend an ear and listen for you're not in my shoes; you can never will be (not your fault btw) so could you please just listen and just be there. Coz this is the time I might need you the most. Tough love is great love but it can break you sometimes; especially when you're at your weakest. Who said love was easy? (they've surely never love or being loved----> families included). Loving and caring for a person can be so difficult for because of a touch; you can either hurt or heal... (wow, I just said something nice~~)

Conclusion; if someone is yapping and whining about the things you know they had been through and they're letting themself suffer again, the words "We've been through this" is an absolute no-no. Just listen and if you don't know what to say, say these exact words: "I don't know what to say because I'm not going through what you're going through right now. All I can do is just listen so just tell me everything you want to ok? I'll be here and I will listen to you..." Not so hard eh? But why most people find it VERY difficult to say these few words instead they would rather fight, scream, yell and hurt each other. Makes you wonder huh?