~Truthfully Mine And Mine Alone~

What To Chose???

2011-07-14T13:19:00.000+09:00

Higher education gives you the chance to choose what you want to learn. You can choose your own class and you can make your own schedule. Sounds good, right? Not really since although you are given the freedom to choose, there's the weird pressure of choosing what's already decided for you.

For example when I was back in college, the education system gives us freedom to choose our own classes. But when you consider the basic factor of having enough credits to graduate, you can't really choose what you want to learn. As in, even if I wanted to take a class out of pure interest, when I see or hear about the grading system being strict, I'll think twice. At the end of the day, I chose classes that are easier to get good results and easier to gain the credits.

So I thought one day when I enter the university, I could choose any classes I want, out of pure interest eventhough the grading system is strict or it's harder to pass the class; I was determined to pick classes based on my interest and not by the possibility of getting a good result. Until I entered the university and found out the ugly truth; NOTHING change.

Since I transferred from college to the 3rd year at the university, that left me only 2 years to gather credits and to finish what normal students would do in 4 years. Sounds stressful? That wasn't even half of it. Because the department I entered isn't based on JABEE (The thing you need so that your degree certificate can be recognized all over the world instead of just Japan), I have to take a special course for JABEE student. My department here is divided into three courses; the architecture course, the mechanical course and the JABEE course. I had no choice but to take the JABEE coz my degree would be useless when I go back to Malaysia. And you know what is the most fun part about the JABEE course? The course included both the architecture and the mechanical course. So I have to take classes twice the amount of the students in my department and I have to do it in half the time. Oh, what fun!

So here I am, far far away from what I expected when I was in college. But there's a silver lining; the exams in university (this university anyway) is easier than the one I used to have in college; way much easier. So if I studied like I used to in college, theoretically, I could get through the exams here in this university. Of course, I would study harder since this is my first exam here and added by the past traumatic experience, I'm a much sober person.

But since this is my first semester, I would have to do an experiment first. This experiment is by taking classes that are easy to pass although I don't like them much and take lots of it so that I could gather lots of credits. That's my objective for this first semester. And based on the result of this semester's final exam, I'll decide what to do about the next semester.

I'm currently thinking of combining both; taking both the classes that are easier to pass and the classes I like. It would take so much more of my time and energy but hey, isn't that what I'm here for? To learn as much as possible? Btw, this particular way of thinking is rooted from Education and Human Mind class; the one class in this semester that I'm taking out of pure interest. I'm learning so much!

Anway, that's what I've learnt from my 4 months here in Shimane University and the course of action for my not so distant future. To those who are studying for finals, best of luck. I'll be studying for my finals too so wish me luck!!! =)

Proud Moment In A Friendship

2011-06-30T18:43:00.000+09:00

What's the proudest moment in a friendship? Ok, well, maybe not the proudest but nonetheless a proud moment. The moment you truly feel proud to have that particular person as a person. The moment that you realized that they did listen, they did take their time to learn about you. For me, it was the moment when a friend casually slipped a few trivial details about me when we were meeting new people or a comment while doing something and etc.

Like, when we're talking about insects, that person would look at me and said "You hate insects, right?" And then looked at the others and annouced that I hate insects. Which would make the whole group sorta laugh at it but I wasn't offended. Coz I do and it's not somethig I'm ashamed about.

Or when I was telling a new friend the reason why I don't join clubs or circles at the university, he would interrupted and said that I don't like being tied down, that I do what I want, whenever I want. Again, that is true and although it kinda hit me that I maybe have some commitment issue, I was touched that the person noticed.

Or when we're eating together and when that person saw me with something I don't like, that person would say. "Oh, that's right! You don't drink milk!" I don't and thank you for noticing!

Or when we're shopping and that person would look at the cloth I'm holding, thinking whether to buy it or not and say "That is so you." I never noticed I like that kind of clothes but now that you mention it, half of my closet is filled with clothes like that.

And so many moments that I couldn't quite recall right now.

I'm proud that they had said those things because I showed that they noticed things about me, they learnt what I like and dislike and they take the time to learn about me; things that you do when you're in relationship. And the way they say it, in a confident but also casual at the same time kinda way makes me feel that that person is somewhat proud to be my friend, proud to know those small things about me. Maybe it's just me, but I truly appreciate this kind of gesture, they maybe small but it has a big effect on me.

So, to you. (Of course, there's more than one person!)
Thank you for noticing those little things about me. I'm touched that you noticed my quirks, the things that I'm both aware of and not aware of. And I'm too do notice a few things here and there about you too.

Running Away From Lab Report Caused This.....

2011-06-02T16:30:00.000+09:00

You don't have to look into blue eyes to see the sky.
Green, hazel, amber, brown or black.
As long as it's the right eyes, you'll see the brightest, the bluest sky in it.
For me it's a light brown, the perfect mixture of amber and chocolate.
And when light lits up in those eyes, it takes my breath away.....

どれだけの想いならば愛と呼んでいいのでしょうか
この胸を締め付けてる気持ちに名前をください。

Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth be a liar,
But never doubt I love.

Maybe my face doesn't light up whenever I see you anymore, but my heart still does

It is impossible to love and be wise.

Love is the strange bewilderment which overtakes one person on account of another person.

Wanted List Part 1

2011-05-28T19:47:00.000+09:00

It's hard finding gifts for people. Especially for me since I want it to be perfect, I want the receiver to be truly happy not just content. Someone told me the key to buying gifts is that something that you want but would neverbuy for yourself. Thus receiving it as a a gift would be a bliss. =)

Anyway, for my case, it's simple. There's one gift that could never go wrong, one gift that I would never be unhappy to receive; books. But it could go terribly wrong if it's not up to my taste. Ex: Motivation or self help books. Uh, no thank you...

Since my favorite site to browse during my free time is Amazon, my Wanted List at this site is quite long. Feel free to pick a book if you're planning to give me a gift =P
or if you're searching for a book to read,
or if you had read it, do tell me if it's any good
or for whatever reason you might want to have a look at books.

These are the books that I want to read. Since this list had existed for a long time, sometimes even I forget about the book and as to why I wanted to read it. But it's my own way of keeping track of my past thoughts and interest. =)

My Amazon Wanted List (欲しいものリスト)

1. Picking Cotton: Our Memoir of Injustice and Redemption by
Jennifer Thompson-cannino, Ronald Cotton, Erin Torneo
*I seriously have no idea about why I wanted to read this book.

2.The Stormchasers by Jenna Blum
* Obviously it's probably about people chasing storms. Maybe a thriller, which just my kind of read. =)

3.Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
*Something about twins, I think.

4. When Will There be Good News? by Kate Atkinson
*You can tell it's an emotional book from it's title which suits me just fine.

5.Millennium Trilogy; The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
*The reason why I'm not going to watch the movie; because I haven't read the book.

6.Down River by John Hart
* The Last Child by John Hart was on my list but was checked out. John Hart is good, almost as good as Grisham.

7.How to Be a Mentalist: Master the Secrets Behind the Hit TV Show by Simon Winthrop
*Confession: I was addicted to 'The Mentalist' at this time.

8.BoneMan's Daughters by Ted Dekker
*Thriller

9. Sisters by Danielle Steel
*I love books about sister or siblings, because I love my sisters and my siblings.

10. The Devil's Teardrop by Jeffery Deaver
*Probably another thriller

11.Tell No One by Harlan Coben
*Thriller

12.Friend of My Youth by Alice Munro
* I can't remember anything about the book but the author's name is kinda familiar.

13. Hawkes Harbor by S. E. Hinton
*I think there's another book by Hinton in this list. We'll see...

14. Summer Sisters: A Novel by Judy Blume
*Keyword: Sisters. Although it's about friendship.

15.Shattered Silk by Barbara Michaels
*Something about the protagonist found something in the attic.

16. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
*New is not always better, Barney. Sorry.

17. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
*I'm pretty sure it's not just about bees.

18.  Holes by Louis Sachar
*Something about boys digging holes.

19. Paper Towns by John Green
*I have no idea....

20. Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
* I heard it's good. Still don't get the chance to read it.

21.The Road by Cormac McCarthy
*I think there's a movie adaption of this, which I'm not going to see until I've read the book.

22.  No Time for Goodbye by Linwood Barclay
*Thriller, I think

23. Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah
*Crisis between best friends

24. Pomegranate Soup: A Novel by Marsha Mehran
* Iranian sisters finding home in an Irish village

25.  Beauty by Robin McKinley
*From Beauty and the Beast

26. Now and Then by Robert B. Parker
*Thriller

27.Fair and Tender Ladies by Lee Smith
*A story about a woman's journey through life.

28.The Love Letter by Cathleen Schine
*It's not a sappy love novels. I don't read those.

29.Happy All the Time: A Novel by Laurie Colwin
*Friendship, love and problems.

30.  The Last Summer (of You and Me) by Ann Brashares
*Ann Brashares? What else to say?

31. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
*I can't never forget this book. I just have to know those thirteen reasons. Soon....

32.  Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin
*The word 'teenage' doesn't really catch my attention but when combined with 'amnesiac', well, well, what do we have here?

33. My Legendary Girlfriend by Mike Gayle
* How legendary can she be? Btw, Mike Gayle's books are on my list.

34. How to Breathe Underwater by Julie Orringer
*Not about breathing underwater, obviously.

35.Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray
*It's an interesting textbook for people study, right?

36.The Confession by John Grisham
*And some other Grisham's books, but not all.

37. Crossing Oceans by Gina Holmes
*Hmm... No idea.

38. Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
*Stephen King was my fav author when I was a teenager. Still is....

39. A Scattered Life by Karen Mcquestion
*No idea

40. If Morning Ever Comes by Anne Tyler
*The tittle intrigues me.

There's still more to come. If I'm not busy or want to act as if I'm not busy, I'll put up Part 2.... =>

Praying the floor won't fall through, again...

2011-05-28T11:35:00.000+09:00

A phrase from Dear John by Taylor Swift
....Praying the floor won't fall through, again......

The floor had fallen through underneath me, a couple of times now.
It's not a plesant experience.Imagine walking or running or jumping in happiness, in bliss, in ignorance when suddenly the floor fell through, out of the blue and you are helpless to do anything, nothing to hold onto, nothing to grab, nothing at all when the pain hit you, the unexpected pain that travel to every part of your body.

And you're left breathless, helpless, writhing and desperate for air, for something to make the overwhelming pain, the endless worries and anxiety go away, anything, anything at all that make everything better again.
You cling to everything, anything but sometimes it's just not enough, you have to search deep inside and find strength from inside and from the Almighty.

I myself have had those times. It wasn't a pleasant experience and if I can choose, I wouldn't want to go through it again, nor I would want anyone to go through it, EVER.

But things will get better, they will. Maybe not the way who had wanted them to be, maybe not the way you had seen it or maybe it would take years before you could finally come terms with it but it will get better, as long as you don't give up. Things will get better, one way or another, they will. That's the very beauty of life.

To feel pain or nothing at all?
Some people would say they rather be in pain than feeling nothing but the big question it, are we ever ready for the pain?
For when the floor fall through, nothing, nothing in this world could prepare you for the pain.....
But you will just have to get through and pray with all your heart that a better tomorrow will be waiting.

The Weight of The World

2011-05-20T13:02:00.000+09:00

Wht do you do when you feel the weight of the world of your shoulder?
Not just your world, but others too; weighing you down, almost crippling you.
I am willing to carry that weight for others, because I care, because I do, sincerely care.
But what do you do when you feel that the weight is too much?
You stay strong, settled the upcoming obstacles one by one and along the way, you share the weight with someone else and it will be better, so much better, I promise....

A small part of 'Breathe' by Ryan Star.

she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile

she moves like dancing in light

spinning around to the sound

sometimes she falls down

breathe, just breathe

take the world off your shoulders

and put it on me

breathe, just breathe

let the life that you lead

be all that you need

Growing Up

2011-03-23T19:49:00.000+09:00

I've always known that I, we, all of us will have to grow up one day. During my life in and out as a student, going to school, going back from school, doing reports, facing exams and tons of other stuff, it's easy to lose track of time. Only some time when the day slowed down, on a weekend or holidays when I sat down, alone doing nothing, only then I realized how long I had come, how I've grown up and the most dreadful thing, how my parents, my Ibu to be precise is growing old as well.

It's nature's way, we grow up and so does our parents, they grow old. But I didn't realize it, not really. I know my Ibu was growing old but the truth had never hit me as hard as right now. She's alone in our house, my siblings are all studying away. My sister in Melaka, another one in Arau, my brother in SP and the other one in Teluk Intan. And I'm here in Japan, far far away from home. Others might still have both their parents but I only got one and I can't imagine how's Ibu spends her time. Good thing she's still working and good thing Iris and Sano are still back home, I truly hope that somehow they could replace us in that home, maybe not entirely but at least a little. God, I truly hope they are enough to at least ease her loneliness. Of course, she never said anything about being lonely and she always say she's fine but I know how lonely it could get when you're on your own and it's not a great feeling.

I'm happy being able to study in Japan, experience new things, living in a different cultures but there's not a day that I hope that I'm in Malaysia instead, by my mother's side. It tears me inside, I'm living my dream, I'm happy for that but at the same time I hope that I'm not living my dream and instead just stay back home.

There's Skype, there's the phone, there's the Net but nothing can compare to the feeling of actually being there, back in home. The smell of my own home, the familiar framed pictures on the wall, the dusty closet in the bedroom, the unorganized books, the way my body instantly relaxed when I got through the door and just about everything in the house I called home. And there's the people in it. Our family might seemed weird and queer to others but damn it, I love my family and I couldn't and wouldn't wish for any other. We might be chatty, we might talk and laugh loudly, we might seemed weird but God, I love my family. We're close, we make fun of each others, we laugh at each other, we argue and quarrel, we bullied each other, we talk while eating, we never go anywhere without each other, we're WEIRD but I love every bits of it. And I love my mother, more than anything in this world. And it kills me not being able to be with her by her side. I cannot wait for my studies to be over and head back home.

In case you're wondering, yes, I am homesick.

Dear Enemy

2010-12-20T18:11:00.000+09:00

As some might already know, Dear Enemy is the sequel to Daddy Long Legs, both novels by the brilliant Jean Webster. My interest in classic literature featuring intelligent and independent women started after I start reading Jane Austen’s novels. Then I pried for more novels with the same theme and found Daddy Long Legs. I read it last summer and loved it very much. And I think it was a very original idea to build a story just based on letters, one sided letters; it satisfies us enough but still keeps us wondering what exactly happened.

I found out later that there is a sequel to Daddy Long Legs; Dear Enemy but the book is not in our library. The title alone sparked interest in me since I assumed the story is still about Judy and wondered what happened between her and Jervis that made them enemies. Of course I just had to find out found a great website that have free ebooks. And the first one I looked for was Dear Enemy and they have it. Yay!!!

I read it and finished it in one night. Now I know what the novel is all about. It was diffrent from what I had expected but I was satisfied. Even when the novel was about a new character, Sallie McBride, after finishing reading it, I was left with the same warm, fuzzy, giddy, content feeling inside me; the very same feeling I had when I finished Daddy Long Legs. But this time, it was somewhat more, satisfying. And I have to say I like Dear Enemy better than Daddy Long Legs for some reasons.

First, I can relate more to Sallie than Judy since my own personality is more like Sallie than Judy. Unlike Judy who was more strong willed and mild tempered, I’m more like Sallie who might not be as strong willed but can be so if she had her heart set on something and with her short temper.

Second, Dear Enemy involved more complicated emotions regarding the evolution of hatred/dislike to love/concern unlike Daddy Long Legs that involved emotions from something unknown; probably curiosity into love. And the emotions in Dear Enemy are so much deeper and so much darker. Maybe because Sallie was very honest with her feelings inside her letters since she was confiding her best friend.

Third, I personally like Sandy a.k.a Robin McRae (I REALLY like the doctor's nickname) than Jervis and it’s truly a personal preference. Jervis is a good man but I prefer Sandy. Who could resist an enigmatic man who is actually wounded and battered by his harsh past?

Fourth, I laughed so much more when I read Dear Enemy. Sally can be very funny with her blunt and witty words but with her heart in the right place; it’s just impossible not to love her and enjoy the bickering and misunderstandings she had with the gloom doctor.

Fifth, Dear Enemy addressed the matter of marriage so much more seriously than Daddy Long Legs. Maybe because the setting was after the women graduated from college but it was so much more realistic. Judy married Jervis and they lived happily without problems while Sally had to struggle with the asylum, the children and her own family and future.

The biggest reason is probably because I personally long for the kind of relationship such as Sally and Sandy since I am quite the person with my own charm; i.e sarcasm and bluntness. So I guess I would appreciate someone that wouldn’t affected (much) by those and is able to see beyond those.Hope I can find my own 'Dear Enemy' one day~~~

I’ve gathered some classic novels and I will be spending my winter holiday going through them. I haven’t decided yet what I wanted to read first but I have a few titles in mind.

p/s : Oh, John Anderson, my jo!!!!!

p/s2: And there’s nothing wrong with reading classic literature for fun!

Lessons I've Learnt From 'How To Train Your Dragon'

2010-12-18T23:52:00.000+09:00

*Warning: Rambling. Read at your own risk*
*Warning: Spoilers for the movie*

I've watched 'How To Train Your Dragon' last summer but it was blury and all so it didn't get to me as much as yesterday when I watched it in high quality, in the comforting solitude of my dark room and my trusted laptop. Needless to say, the movie blew me away (for the second time). How cute is Toothless? And how funny is Hiccup with his sarcastic and witty remark? Love them! And of course since I'm a fan of Gerard Butler, I just love his voice as Stoick, Hiccup's father. Lo....ve it~~

Anywho, the lesssons I have learnt from this movie is not exactly about dragons and viking but more like about relationships between people. I know the movie title is ‘How To Train Your Dragon’ not ‘How To Be In A Relationship’ but watching this movie reminds me that the relationships featured in the movies is very much like relationships in our daily life, if you watch really closely. So, let me break my opinion down for you..

Ok, picture yourself as Hiccup and Toothless as someone new in your life, someone you just met and started to get acquianted. When Hiccup met Toothless, he was so afraid of it and so did Toothless; of the unknown. But they learnt that they both shared the same curiosity and interest to know each other. Same goes when we meet a new person. We're practically started with being strangers and we gradually started to know each other despite being scared/afraid/nervous/unsure when we first meet them.

Then Hiccup and Toothless get along, not really well at first. But with effort from both sides, they managed to know what the other like or hate. Like the time Toothless drew lines on the ground and Hiccup stepped on his drawing and Toothless snarled. It’s the same application with relationship. We will step on someone’s boundaries or tick them off by doing something that they don’t like/hate. Then Hiccup realized why Toothless was snarling and he realized the reason why Toothless was so upset. Same goes with relationships; we learnt from our mistakes and learnt new things. Then Hiccup learnt more about Toothless, what he likes and what he hates and what made him angry and what made him purr. Same goes in real life.

Then Hiccup realized that Toothless is not perfect, he lost half his wing tail. And Hiccup tried to filling up the gaps with his handmade wing. After that, it took them quite some time out of trial and error to figure out how to make things work. In real life, we will find out our partner new friend/partner/acquinatance/bf/gf/etc is not perfect and will be with flaws, lots of them. And we will do the right thing by accepting it and try to fill the gaps. And the both of uswill try and try and try again until we get it right to make things work. Note that I use the word ‘fill up’ and not ‘fix’ with Hiccup and Toothless. Same goes for us, we can’t fix our partner and etc to be the way we want them to be, we can only fill what was missing and it won’t be as good but it will work, with both our efforts. Just like Hiccup and Toothless.

Then when the people around them found out about Toothless and Hiccup, we can learn a few things based on their reactions. In this case, Astrid found out. Let’s say Astrid is someone quite important in our life, say a good friend. When the good friend found out that the two of you are getting closer, they would start going protective over you or worst, jealousy. And we will feel torn apart between our partner (from now on, let's refer to this new person in our life as our partner) and our friend; that is normal. Like Hiccup with Toothless and Astrid. Bear in mind, our partner and friend will most probably start off with the wrong feet and will probably hate each other for some time. But then the friend and our partner will learn about each other; just like they did with us and they will see what we see. Just like how Astrid saw how Toothless is not so bad and vice versa.

Then, came in the family. In the movie, the family is Hiccup’s father, Stoick. He was very protective of Hiccup from Toothless since he has a prejudice and doubt and distrust towards Toothless. The same goes in our family. Our father @ mother @ siblings @ all of the above will dislike our partner when they meet them for the first time especially when they are not quite ready for the ‘meeting’. Especially a surprise one, like in the movie and seeing us covering/protecting/ backing up our partner is just going to spark the prejudice/doubt/ distrust to a whole new level a.k.a infinity.

In the movie, Stoick took Toothless away from Hiccup. In real life, our family will take us away from our partner or drive them away or at least try to do so. But Hiccup loves Toothless so he went after him. If we really love our partner, we will do the same once we realize that you really need and love your partner and they are worth the trouble.

So Hiccup went after Toothless. They fought the Giant Dragon and managed to defeat him. Of course in real life there are no giant dragons, or dragons for that matter but let’s think of the giant dragon as a trouble/problem/barrier/issue in life that we both have to face as a couple (or as friends etc). And if we work together with our partner like Hiccup and Toothless, we will get over it. In the movie, Toothless lost half a wing tail and Hiccup lost one of his feet. In real life, we might not lose a body part (well, depending on the situation anyway), but there will be some lost too; emotionally or mentally. But just like Toothless and Hiccups who accept each other’s flaws and helps each other with their problem and just being there while their partner needs them, so do you, we, everyone in relationships. And if we could do so, then we will have an ending like the movie; happy.

But then again, like isn’t the movie and the ending is only THE ENDING so before the end, we might have to repeat the process in the movie a few times, maybe more for some people. But we will learn in time. And with experience, we will be quicker the next time. So, of course you and me are not Hiccup and our partner is not a dragon, but as different as Hiccup, a boy and Toothless, a dragon, so aren’t we, right? Conclusion, people in new relationships ARE like Hiccups and Toothless but we can work it out; with efforts, patience and love.

p/s: I started writing with using 'you' as in adressing the public and not myself but when I think of it, I am in the same situation so I changed into 'we' as in including myself in this whole situation.

p/s2: I would like to read the book to know how the story is told in words. It's just so much diffrent seeing a story formed in words and in images.

Tea Person @ Coffee Person

2010-07-20T17:45:00.000+09:00

Some people like a cup of coffee in the morning to start of the day; coffee person while some like a cup of tea; tea person. I’m a tea person… I prefer a cup of tea to start off my morning; just a plain not too sweet cup of tea. I rarely drink coffee.. Unless when I need the caffeine; the only reason I drink coffee. As much as I hate to admit it, coffee can provide caffeine more than tea. Caffeine is like a stimulant, some kind of drug to my body; up and high when it’s inside. I drink coffee when I need to stay up and alert at night, or get through a morning after going through the whole night with no sleep. Usually the effect of the caffeine would last around 6 to 7 hours. One cup of coffee in the morning and I would be super active and super bright and super cheery; none of the person I should be in the morning because I’m not a morning person. (It’s my daily routine in the morning to wonder how people could be so up and cheery in the morning; with all the bright smiles and excited greetings. It never failed to amaze me and made me grunt grudgingly but that’s for another time.) And when the caffeine had worn off around afternoon, you would find me in a corner like someone who’s having a hangover. I never had any hangover for I don’t drink but I think it’s almost the same from the way from 1) no loud noises 2) no noises at all 3) no bright lights or anything that will stimulate the neurons in your brain or any of your senses. The aftereffect of the caffeine had been and will always be terrible but there are times that I just need it to get through the day. Ergo, it's natural that caffeine intake increases during exam weeks and near deadlines. That’s why I prefer less stimulating and comforting tea for normal days. Tea agrees amiably with my body and even if coffee makes me a highly productive person, I just don’t like it. I’m not a very productive person, I take everything according to my pace and my time and the way caffeine make me wanting everything done at that very time is so not me; because I’m not a coffee person, I’m a tea person. I’m writing this because I was studying through the night and drinking coffee to keep me up. Now I need sleep.....

Bostjan Cesar of Slovenia

2010-06-24T20:56:00.000+09:00

Last night I watched the match between England and Slovenia. Of course I’m talking about THE World Cup. I wanted to watch it because of England; because I haven’t seen any of England’s matches. Since I thought it would be nice to see some familiar faces. Believe it or not, I used to be a fan of Manchester United (note the past tense). I used to love Gary Neville. I still do but not as much as before. For some reason, I just do, I don’t know why. But that was then. This was last night’s story. So I watched the match and there were a few familiar faces; Gerard, Lampard, Rooney and Terry. Of course Beckham was by the bench.

I was set to support England. It’s just a thing people do. If you watch a match, you just have to pick a side, right? You can’t not pick a side. It’s just so unfair to be neutral. So I was set to support England but one man; one player changed it all. It was Slovenia’s Number 5 Defender; Bostjan Cesar. Why did I notice this man and why did he manage to make me support Slovenia instead of England which was the only reason I wanted to watch the match?

He’s an admirable player with great sportsmanship. Why? There was this one time when he tackled down England’s Defoe (I think) and Defoe was in pain but the referee ignored it and the match continued. Did you know what Cesar did? He raised his hand and asked for a little time off for Defoe. He kept raising his hand for the referee’s attention although his team had the ball at that time. The referee noticed and the match stopped for a few seconds while Defoe recovered. It wasn’t anything serious or anything but I was impressed. I was impressed with Bostjan Cesar.

It’s World Cup, people!! Player had done more than usually jersey pulling and hard tackle and even used hands to score a goal. It’s the match where man would do almost anything; dirty or not just to have the ball, to get a goal; to win. But this dignified man was sincerely worried about a fellow player and to me, it was admirable and honorable. Maybe I’m just exaggerating but I was touched; after watching match after matches that didn’t really seem fair, his action caught me by the heart. And I immediately switched sides from England to Slovenia; in just a blink. Not that I really support England from the start or anything. Anyway, I supported for Slovenia up to the end. And after the match was over, who knew America managed to get a goal at the very last second. Damn I was frustrated!! I wanted to watch more of Slovenia; I wanted to watch more of Cesar. Sigh~~~

But that’s the result; there’s nothing that can be done about it. But I truly wish that I could see more of Slovenia. But bear in mind that I had found an admirable player; an football player with great sportsmanship. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I saw too much into a one time. Maybe other player did the same thing too. But not when I was watching, not during the England and Slovenia match. That’s why I salute you Bostjan Cesar of Slovenia!!!

Haven't Met You Yet

2010-06-18T17:47:00.000+09:00

I love this song 'Haven't Met You Yet' by Michael Buble..
To those who is still waiting for that right person; for 'The One'~~

Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

**************************************************

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times
I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it'll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait,
I'll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing,
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it,
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
I just haven't met you yet!

My Mr. Fireman

2010-06-15T21:04:00.000+09:00

Mr.Fireman is my best Japanese friend in 高専(college). But he quitted college in May 2009. I was devastated because I thought I could never see him again and everything happened so quickly. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye and see him for the last time. The last time I saw and talked with him was when we headed back together to the dormitory after class. We parted like we usually did; with a wave and 'see you tomorrow'. But I didn't see him the next day or the day after that. Then I got the news that he had quitted (for a reason which it's not my place to tell) and he had left; he had packed all his stuff and left. I heard it from my tutor and I was very shocked. But I managed to keep a cool face in front of my tutor but when I came back to my room, I cried.

Yes, I cried. I cried because I would never see him again, because he didn't even say anything to me; less a goodbye, because it was too sudden to lose someone so important in my life at college; the friend that I finally made. He's a very cheerful and positive person. He makes me smile when I feel down, he makes me laugh just by being himself, he is the only Japanese that I can actually call a good friend. He's a very special person; what we have between us is very special but in a platonic kinda way. He knew how I still feel awkward around his friends n my classmates and he would stay by me, he would talk with me and help me getting into the 'group'/ the 'circle'. Any foreigner who had lived in Japan would know it's really hard to get past the politeness and just be comfortable with them; just be friends with them. And he let me into the circle of his friends. And since most of his friends are my classmate, they didn't have much problem going along well with me. I was so happy; I finally made real friends; not the kinda of friends who you waved and greet but have nothing to say to each other once you're alone.

Anyway, I was DEVASTATED when he left college, without telling me anything; without goodbye. I wanted a closure so I texted him and guess what? He replied with the same energetic, life-is-great tone of his and said we can always meet from time to time and we can text all the time. I wasn't convinced; I've used that line with my old friends before and now I barely have any. But I stayed hopeful and he was right, we stayed friends. We helped me through my toughest time; during the university entrance exam period. It was a routine that I called him before and after the exam; and after I knew the result. I failed two universities and the first was the worst. I called him and cried my heart out. He wasn't affected; I was crying my heart out while he laughed and said I will do better next time and I will surely pass next time. And I felt better than people telling me they were sorry and they wished they could do something for me. I felt better when he laughed and made jokes, weird isn't it?

And after me, it was his time for his exams and interviews to be a fireman. It was a difficult exam and I knew it was hard on him too but when I called and asked, he's always laughing, so energetic and so positive. And I couldn't help smiling and be positive myself when I talk with him. Then he passed the exams; despite people telling him it was impossible, he passed. I was so proud of him. After that, his training started. He was so busy that we rarely talked. And he only replied my text a few days later after I had sent them. But I didn't mind, I know he's busy....

And now, his training is over and he's a real fireman. Putting out fires and saving lives. He's still as busy but he will always find time to call me. Usually he would call after work so our conversation is usually short; I know he's tired so we would talk while he walks from his station to his apartment. Up until today I still can't believe he's a real fireman. But he when talked about what he did that day, how he was down when he couldn't save a person caught in fire, I realized that it's really happening. And I worry about him; a fireman is not an easy job and it involves injuries and worst, death. Just a few days ago he dislocated his shoulder carrying a man out from a burning house. Ouch...

I'm worried for him but the only thing I can do is to pray for his safety. Please, be safe.... He's my good friend and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Life is Japan wouldn't be as exciting and as bearable without you, Mr. Fireman….

~silent treatment~

2010-06-05T11:26:00.000+09:00

When I'm mad or hurt, I rather be silent...
Because if one word come out, it will followed by more words..
And I can't guarantee that it won't be hurtful....
Usually it does hurt; both ways...
So if I'm silent;
That doesn't mean I'm in despair or worried
That just mean I'm either
1) Mad
or
2) Hurt

~The End~

Lucky I'm In Love With My Best Friend... or Not?

2010-04-25T16:18:00.000+09:00

After the long silence, I'm finally back with my writing mood... And this is the subject that I had been thinking for quite some time.. So I decided to write about it; my own way of clearing my thoughts and coming up with a conclusion...

The BIG question before the main menu.....
1) Is it possible to be friend with a girl/guy i.e opposite sex?
The answer: possible

2) Is it possible to be BEST friends with a girl/guy i.e opposite sex?
The answer : IMPOSSIBLE unless...

Of course this is my own thought and the way I think so feel free to think the opposite. So, next stop; why?

One: I think it is possible to be friends with anyone as long you are willing to accept them; their way of life, their opinion towards life; their characteristic; as long as you are opened to whatever they have to give and you don't have the attitude of criticizing anything that is difffrent from your own way. So, it's possible to be friends with anyone, with the right attitude. This includes the opposite sex....

So why does it's a NO for 2?

Because a guy and a girl are bound to be attracted to each other when they become close. Why? Because they're the opposite sex... Men are from mars and women are from venus; ying and yang; opposite attracts. It's just the law of nature.So it is just natural to be attracted to the opposite sex, especially when you are close... And one side are bound to have feelings for the other. For example, Dawson Creek, One Three Hill etc. You become friends, then you become good friends then you realized you have feelings for your best friend, you tell them and they feel the same way too. Or they might not feel the same way at first but then afterwards they realized how important you are bla bla bla and then they realized; they love you too.. Happy ending; that's of course in the movies... But in real life, things don't really go that well.

You become friends with a guy/a girl. You guys become best friends. Then you started to like them. At first you thought it's better to stay just as friends because you don't want to ruin your relationship etc (whatever reason you can think of). Then one day, that guy/girl found someone and they become a couple. And you were left alone to eat your heart out.... But then the guy/girl still thought you're their best friends so they keep hanging out with you and they dare to wonder why you don't really get along with their new bf/gf. And you're stuck in this weird love-hate relationship.. Things become so complicated and messy...

So, what do you do?

One, you act like a jerk by being selfish and telling the guy/girl how you don't like their bf/gf and being a good friend, they tried to be fair to both you and their gf/bf. However, it won't last for long... Feelings are bound to be hurt and hearts are bound to be broken. How could you possibly be happy spending time with someone when you know they are thinking about someone else? In the end your best friend will have to choose... Who do you think he/she will choose?

Two, you PRETEND like you're fine with everything but the fact is you're not fine with everything. So you become distant and avoid them etc. Or you automatically be in a bad mood once you see them together or heard about them.. And things will continue to be like that for as long as you choose for it to be like that. How could you possibly be happy thinking that the person that you love/like is with someone else; spending the time of their life while you're having a hell of a time crying your eyes out?

Three, you REALLY give up on the whole having a romantic relationship with your best friends and stay friends with them and be happy for them. It's the most difficult things to do but you will end up free from any messy, complicated I'm-in-love-with-my-best friend-but-he/she-has-a-gf/bf kinda problem... Then only you can REALLY be happy for them from the bottom of your heart because you simply care for them as friends; you want them to be happy and you want to be happy FOR them.

The third way by just giving up and being happy with their own life is the best solution. Why? Because you should appreciate yourself before appreciating others.. You should love yourself before loving others.. How could you be happy with someone that you know do you no good but bring you sadness and tears? Be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself, and makes you want to be a better person... Not with someone who make you cry and make you hate yourself....

So, a guy and a girl can be best friends if and ONLY if, one side had been rejected. That's my conlusion of the whole can you be best friends with the opposite sex 'thing'. Lucky I'm In Love With My Best Friend If He/She Loves Me Back; that's my conclusion for the whole lucky I'm in love with my best friend 'thing'...I think that's about the right conclusion.

New Way

2010-03-16T16:25:00.000+09:00

Life had taken me on a new way that I had never could even possibly imagine. But it had and I accept it with a open heart. I'm content; I'm not bitter nor I am sad. I'm still wandering and worrying but not regretting and grieving anymore. What had happened, happened and I accept it as my destiny. And so I've accepted that this is how my life will be from now on. I know my whole life hadn't been easy. I've been through so much and I will have to go through so much more. We, human struggle as long as we live and no one can run away from being challenged from time to time by our Creator. And I know, I believe that He wouldn't give me challenges that He knew I couldn't handle. And I know this is not the end of my story, I still have to face challenges ahead. Unlike movies, there's no happy ending after one challenge, you have to live through thousands of challenges to get your own happy ending. Today, it's my day, my time to face the challenge that God had installed for me. I accept it, I'll go through it. I know there's a silver lining from everything that had happened; there always be. And though I only know a small part of it for now, I know there's goodness from what had happened. I'm not very strong but I know I'm strong enough to accept everything that had happened.

I don't need sympathy but I accept empathy and good intention.

Jane Austen ~ Let's read!!!

2010-03-01T20:50:00.000+09:00

I bought 'The Complete Novels of Jane Austen' months ago because I wanted to read 'Pride and Prejudice'. I've always wanted to read this piece but I never got the chance. I bought the complete novels because it was much cheaper than just buying only Pride and Prejudice. And months passed after I bought it since I really didn't have the time to read because I have this bad habit; when I started reading a book, everything else will have to wait until I finished reading it. But that habit had improved, I managed to put down my book and do some other stuff but I wouldn't be able to concentrate because my mind is filled with the character and the story from the book. And it will be for about a week even after I finished reading the book. That's how my mind and books work.

So, I finally got the chance to read 'Pride and Prejudice' during last winter holiday and I like it so so much!!!! I love Elizabeth Bennet and I love Mr Darcy and I was so happy that they're togetther at the end of the story. A few months after 'Pride and Prejudice', last week, I read 'Emma' because I sorta remembered I heard about the movie when I was little. So I started reading Emma. And of course, I LOVE it. I like Emma most of the time, I like Mr Knightley all the time but I LOVE them together!!!

I'm loving Jane Austen!! I know it's quite late but I don't think I'll like her if I read her novels when I was younger (high school) since that time I preferred reading 'fantasy' and mystery kinda novel like Harry Potter and Stephen King's novels. But when I came here, I started reading chic lit novels like Cecilia Ahern, Marian Keyes, Jennifer Weiner and Emily Giffin and of course Sophie Kinsella though I don't like the Shopaholic series much. I love it a lot (about a year ago). Probably because I was in the 'I wanna be in love' kinda mood.

But I'm not in that mood now. Now I'm more in the 'I wanna enjoy my life' mood and will only think about a realistic and steady relationships. So, I guess that's why I like Austen's novels a lot now. The characters and the relationships inside the story is so realistic. Unlike other novels, Austen's characters are very realistic with their flaws and all. But or course you couldn't help to like them especially when you have something in common with them. I think I like Elizabeth Bennet and Emma Woodhouse probably because I found something in common with them. And it would be wonderful if I could meet someone like Mr Darcy or Mr Knightley. =P And I managed to relate some of the characters from the novels to the people around me and it made it so much easier for me to handle them.

And now I'm watching the movies based on the novels. I've watched 'Pride and Prejudice' and currently watching BBC's Emma. Pride and Prejudice was overrall good. They changed some of the scene probably because there wasn't enough time to put all the details. But the characters in the movie very much capture the characteristic of the characters from the novel. Though I think the Elizabeth Bennet (Keira Knightley) in the movie is too 'giggly'. Mr Darcy (Matthew Macfayden) is nice, I like him though I did expected him to be 'younger'. But I like it alright. Now I'm watching BBC's Emma and I'll talk about it when I'm done.

People probably know by now that I like reading very much and I can't understand those who don't read. Of course as student, you are 'obligated' to read textbooks and stuff so many could say they read all the time. But I can't call that reading since I think my kind of 'reading' is finding something to read according to your preference and reading it at your own will and interest, and thinking of it as a leisure and not a burden. So, I don't count reading textbooks for exams is 'reading' at all, maybe it can be called 'studying' instead. And I realized that by growing older and having more responsibilities, it would be harder to find time to read. But I think if you really want it, you will find a way to do it. And I found it quite comfortable to read a few pages before sleeping. It makes you relaxed and naturally you will feel sleepy; most of the time in my case. However, there are exception since there were times when I just couldn't put the book down and ended up reading it till morning without any sleep. Needless to say the next day was horrible but I was satisfied since I managed to read the whole story and know about the ending. And don't get me started on the people who read a few pages/chapters before skipping to the ending? What the???!! Where's the pleasure in that? Of course you get to know the ending, but doesn't it bother you not knowing what leads to the ending and how everybody changed that lead to the ending? The process is the most important part!! How could you skip it? It's just unbelievable..

And since I like reading so much and can't understand people who don't read, I would like it very much for My Mister (refer to post My Mister) to be a reader like me. Then we could talk about books even our interest in books differs. Up until now, I only have a friend that I can really talk about what I read. Sad, I know but not many share my passion in reading and less share the same interest on the book I read. I can't imagine those who don't read at all; reading is the food for your mind. The more you read, the more you think and your mind will be opened to new things that you probably would never thought about hadn't you read that particular book. So, people.. Let's read!!! =D

4 GOOD

2010-02-23T22:45:00.000+09:00

When everything seemed so wrong and so hopeless what do you do? People have their own way in panicking and settling problems and deciding...

Mine is these four GOOD:

1) Good cry
        * I just to give myself a chance to cry your heart out for everything that had went wrong. This usually makes me feel better and lighter.. =D

2) Good shoulder to cry on
        * After that good cry alone, it would be helpful to have someone you can lean on and just cry on their shoulder. Most of us (me in this case) doesn't have the luxury for this one for many reasons; away from that someone or there's just no one around. Sad but that's life. They can't be there for you all the time, sometimes you just have to get through with it yourself.

3) Good company
       * After I had finished pouring your heart out into tears, it's time to pour them into words. Talking with someone else even about things that is not related to the problem would be very helpful. Of course it would be better if you can discuss about the problem with that person but sometimes, you just need someone to listen and talk to you. Usually I talk with my sister or my Mom, but not about the problem; just small talks to take my thoughts away from the problem.

4) Good food
        * This doesn't mean eating a whole basket of ice cream or anything extreme like that. Just a normal dish that I like or feel like eating at that time. If it's impossible, I would just improvise with what I have at that time.

5) Good shower
        * Long hot shower just wash everything away. There's nothing more refreshing than a long hot shower... After that shower, I feel so fresh and so high I could take on the world!! Exxegerating, I know..

After that, I will be up and about to think about the problem and make even the most difficult decision. I think my body and mind need to prepare themself before going into the battle field to decided life or death. This works for me but I don't know about anybody else. And of course, a good prayer is the best way to conclude everything~~

Tag by Mimie from Next Room~~

2010-02-23T22:12:00.000+09:00

belive it or not, this is my first tag!!!! Thanks Mimie, I'm so happy and excited~~

Soalan 1 ~ Where is your cell phone ?

Depan mata... Waiting for certain 'someone' to reply mesej...

Soalan 2 ~ Relationship ?

Single and probably would be for quite some time~~

Soalan 3 ~ Your Hair ?

Black

Soalan 4 ~ Work ?

Student? It's a lot of work...

Soalan 5 ~ Your sister ?

2 younger sisters

Soalan 6 ~ your favourite thing ?

my bed~~

Soalan 7 ~ Your dream last night ?

hmm.... don't remember

Soalan 8 ~ Your favourite drink ?

tea, cocoa, ikut mood

Soalan 9 ~ Your dream car ?

something cool n stylish.... cam Toyota Corolla Axio ke?

Soalan 10 ~ Your shoes ?

my comfortable flat sneakers; can't go wrong with it....

Soalan 11 ~ Your fears ?

cockroach; had always been this particular animal.

losing someone unexpectedly....

Soalan 12 ~ What do you want to be after 10 years ?

Successful job, loving family, happy life; isn't everybody wish for this?

Soalan 13 ~ Who did you hang out with last weekend ?

This week is a better choice I think..

Friday ; Went to Vogel Park and Ice Skating with Matsuerians..

Saturday; free sushi with Mimie and Japanese teacher...
Sunday; On my bed with myself (Loving it!!)

Soalan 14 ~ Missing ?

Home, family and a shoulder to cry on~~

Soalan 15 ~ What are you thinking about right now ?

Tomorrow's exam

Soalan 16 ~ Favourite colour ?

Black and Red; but recently suke giler red...

Soalan 17 ~ Love ?

Accepting someone for who they are, how their mind work and how their heart feels; flaws included..

Soalan 18 ~ So who wants to share their one ? how about ?

Nina.

and sape2 nk buat n ada masa nk buat...

~My Dojo Atsushi~

2010-02-20T15:32:00.000+09:00

Have you ever found the person whose personality is the exact same one with you only they're a bit older and had been through a few years of life before you? I'm talking about Kasahara Iku and Dojo Atsushi from Toshokan Sensou (Library War). So, I'll start by introducing these two people. Kasahara Iku is a new member of this library protecting army kinda thing. And Dojo is her instructor, Kasahara is known for her hot headed behavior and recklessness. As the story unfold, Dojo used to be EXACTLY like her only since he was like 3 years older than her so he had been through everything and matured. In the anime, it shows how he care for her since she reminded him of himself when he was young(er) and how he couldn't ignore her no matter how much they fought and how angry she had made him. And the ending of course a very very happy ending. I REALLY like this anime. It's a serious one, you can tell when the title has the word 'WAR' but I watched it because I want to see what will happen to this couple. They're so SWEET and I want a guy like him!!! He's so supportive of her and since she's EXACTLY like his old self, he know just what to say and what to do. He's both strict and gentle; according to the situation. I LOVE him!!!! I want a guy like him!!! I want my version of Dojo Atsushi!

Anyway, since I watched this anime, I've been dreaming of finding the same guy; the one whose older with a personality just like me. I didn't know that that guy was so close and so near until one day we talked and he told me about the times when he was young(er) and he said when he looked at me, he was reminded of himself when he was young(er). I never expected him to be just like me since now he has the opposite personality of me (like night and day). Now I know how Kasahara Iku felt when she was told Dojo used to be exactly like her. It was overwhelming and kinda mindblowing to know that I might end up like him. Anyway, I've found the guy for me like Dojo to Kasahara, I've found my Dojo Atsushi but unlike this couple, he's just not the one for me. Now I know what people mean when they say be careful with what you wish for/ sometimes what you wish for isn't what you need/ really want. Yes, what I wished for is not what I need but I'm glad to find someone whose personality exactly like mine and I have a rough idea what will happened if worst come to worst. =P

So, here's a few pics from Toshokan Sensou; my fav pic of Kasahara and Dojo. =D

The Team

Kasahara's first impression of Dojo

Kasahara Iku; the heroine. I like her~~

Cool!!!!! Kakkoi!!!! Men in uniform are so cool~~

A routine; fighting

Another level of fighting

Fighting again..

So funny~~

Sweet~~

The sweetest ending!!!! Love it!!

Beautiful Disaster

2010-02-18T17:55:00.000+09:00

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

If I tried to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

Just ain't right

I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

His magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight, hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy, hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of a miracle

Waiting so long

So long

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end; he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

He's beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

~Storm~

2010-02-05T10:27:00.000+09:00

   Finished my final presentation for my research last week, sent the thesis yesterday. Fuh~~ What a relief... NOT. Despite finishing the thing that had taken my whole time for these past 6 months?, I'm still buzy and the defination of buzy here is catching up with dateline for more reports and more preseantation and to top it of, I still have exams for the next 3 weeks which is very important for my graduation. I dare not to think about graduation until these exams are over. But of course, the world doesn't revoleve around me and according to my pace so, I would have to deal with a lot more things while facing exams and reports. And since I'm such a nice person, I've got myself an extra work by volunteering to help the 3rd year student with their exams and volunteered to make notes for them to study. I'm too nice, I should just let them be but I couldn't and I won't. I have to admite I have a soft spot for people who work hard to achieve what they want; one of the reaason why I used to like that particular person when I first came here. Let's keep that story for some other day.

  Great!!! You think you could have some rest after the storm was over but there's still a lot of storms coming my way. Here we go, again. Will I last through all these? I know I will. Because despite these february fever (a cute name that I gave to this whole buzy things), I've managed to find the silver lining. We have about a month before the semester come to an end and the spring holiday starts. And this is my last month here in this college. And somehow people are starting to treasure these last moments. People are nicer, happier and more friendly than usual. I think everyone can understand why; when the end is coming, people stop and treasure what they currently have. Typical human behavior. =D

   Which I appreciate since I'm doing the same too. In fact, I think this could be the 'recipe' for maintaining a good relationship with everyone. Ever seen the movies where the hero/ heroin only realized how important a person is until they lost them (death etc). But in the movies, they get to get back to their current life with the new knowledge; we can't. So, we just have to skip the whole 'going to our future life' and just started thinking about the importance of the people in our life despite their annoying habits or what they had done.

This is my way of deciding if I want/need/ should hate/ignore someone or not. Warning for the extremeness of my thoughts. So, before I decided to hate someone, I think like this; if this person dies, will I be sad or will I regret not spending more time with him/ her or will I regret not treating him/her better? Extreme, right? I know but it works for me. So, if the answer is you will regret it or you will be sad, then you know what to do; APPRECIATE THEM!!!!! If the answer is Nah, I'll be fine/ I'll live then you can hate/ignore them. Most of the time the answer is you will be sad so you will end up not hating so many person in your life which I think is a good thing for stress. =)

Friends

2010-01-31T20:20:00.000+09:00

Friends... There's a lot of defination to that particular word. I'm not a very nice person, I know and I don't take b******t and hypocrisy quite well and I have quite an attitude. So naturally my friends are only the people WITHOUT these two things and those who can stand me and see the true me underneath all the rudeness and harsh words.

To tell you the truth, I don't have many friends (real, best friends). In my POV, friends are the person who know who I really am and I know who they really are, and still like and trust each other. I'm very strict about friends and friendship. I do NOT tolerate hypocrisy and/or betrayal AT ALL. Once someone betray me, they're out of my life FOREVER. So, naturally, quite many people had been out of my life or turned from 'friend' to 'acquaintance' or 'she/he is just someone I used to know from somewhere'.

  But I don't mind since I believe in 'quality' rather than 'quantity'. And when someone become my friend, I would do almost literally everything for them; even if it hurts and burdens me. That's how I appreciate my friends.

Watching people around me, I realize people have more real friends than I am. I know why; my attitude. I don't mind and it made me appreciate the friends and the people whose willing to be around me despite knowing my true self. Thank you very much, you guys. So, in my appreciation towards them, I would like to introduce some of them.

~~Family~~

* I talk with my family about mostly everything. But I share ALL my secrets with my sister, Athirah. When I said ALL, I mean EVERYTHING; she have all my dirt on her hand. And I can talk to her about anything, from gross stuff to serious stuff to girly stuff. Can't bear not talking to her. We can go on and talk all day. Both of us have busy life but we still talk or text.

~~Badlishah Era~~

* Fareehan
   I've known her since I entered the school in form 2. Became best friends ever, talked about a lot of things. High school was so much fun because of her. Even when I got into 5Sc1 where I'm the only girl, she was always there for me.Sadly, we don't contact that much since I came here; my fault, I know. But we always meet when I go back. Her house's 'Kurma Kambing' is the best and she knows how much I LOVE it!!! When we see each other once or twice a year, I really appreciate the way she talk to me like usual; like we never been apart at all. She might not realize how much I appreciate her still willing to be my friend despite me not contacting form time to time and meet only once a year. Thanks for your friendship~~

*Zalika
I've become close to her in Form 4 and 5. Her class is next to mine and we have one class together. She's a very straightforward and what you see is what you got kinda person which I really like. No b******t from her. Both of us go to school with bike with our sisters so I always meet her at the parking place. And our mothers know each other. Her mother 'love' to feed me delicious food which I appreciate A LOT. Haha. And like Fareehan, she never mind me not contacting when I'm here and we usually meet when I'm back. The way she talked with me is like we had never been apart; something I really appreciate. Thank you~~

* 5Sc1 Classmates
   Since I was the only girl in that class, all of them are guys. And nice people too. We meet sometimes, usually during Raya but last year, we didn't manage to get together. They're very nice people and it's nice to see them even once in a year. We've been through a lot together during two years being classmates. Usually involved doing 'not so nice' things. Sweet sweet memories. I never regretted my choice entering that class. If I didn't make that choice, I might not he where I am right now. Thanks guys~~

~~PPKTJ Era~~

* Geng JJ
   Most people from our batch know what 'Geng JJ' was. There was 7 of us; me, nina, aien, mimie, ila, adnan and shah. We did so many things together mostly at JJ near Kolej Kedua; I guess that what made people call of that name? Sweet Sweet memories; we had done so many things together!! Genting, JJ, Nasi Lemak, Bowling, Movies,Naza and lots more memorable things done between exams and tons of homework.Geng JJ is the my most important people back in PPKTJ. It was the thing that kept me moving during the stressful days. And we chose two college here that seemed close on the map. Who know it would be this far, right gang? Tsuyama and Matsue. We will go our separate ways after this but I hope we can stay friends no matter what happen. NO MATTER WHAT~~

~~Matsue College Era~~ (still here)
*Mimie
We've been through a lot here in Matsue; we're together almost all the time. Reports, exams, guys, conbini, joyful,mishimaya,idol karaoke, badminton. Through thick and thin together. Just finished our graduation research presentation and now concentrating on graduating. We will go separate ways after this but friends forever!!

*Research Members
At first, they all thought I was this 'nice, gentle and polite' girl; an image I built for the teachers. But they gradually realized they were wrong when we spent time together (usually under a lot of stress from the reports, study and researches). So, they found out who I really am; the outspoken, moody, I-don't-take- b******t kinda person. I've cried in front of all of them (sensei included) when I failed my first university entrance exam, cried on the sofa inside the lab when my research went weary in front one of them and sensei, burst in anger when I found out one of them were lying (sensei was there), object sensei's decision outloud in front all of them and etc; everything that show who I really am. And they still accept me for who I am; in fact they're more open to me than before. Now, I can behave like myself even in front of them and be comfortable it. I love spending time in that lab with all of them.

*Senpai and Kouhai
Nice, interesting group of people. Always around to help and play. Matsuerians are the best~~

There, I guess that's everyone. I've realized that sometimes even if we think that one person is our best friends, that doesn't mean they would think the same. We could think that they're our best friend but they could only be thinking about us just as a normal nice friend. And it hurts when you found out that cruel fact but there is nothing to do about it: you can't control how people feel about you. One can love one peson so much but that doesn't mean they will be loved with the same amount of love. That's how the human heart work; you can't control it. Sad but you would just t accept it. In my case, I never stop thinking and treating that person as a best friend even when she/he is clearly not thinking the same about me. Even if she/he doesn't appreciate what I have for them, I will appreciate the feeling and treasure them. It's not everyday that you can feel for a person like that so it's best to treasure the feeling. So, the person who I think and feel as my best friend/ friend will always be one even if they don't feel the same.

   To all my friend, thanks for bearing with this unpredictable, moody, annoying, proud human being with attitude which is me. I might not say it outloud but I really do appreciate your friendship and it's my treasure. =D

Broken Heart

2010-01-11T22:26:00.000+09:00

The changes of the human heart never fails to marvel me; including mine. How at one time you're so in love with one person, so addcited with a drama/song/book/ect, so loving them from the bottom of your heart and can't imagine life without them; just enjoying everything and the other time you suddenly feel nothing about the person you used to be so crazy about or feel nothing when you watch the drama/song/ book again; thinking how in the world did I became so crazy and addicted to that one person or drama/song/book once upon a time ago; it baffles you to realize how may stupids things you've done, time you've wasted and the more you think about it, the more regrets you will have.

Easy example; a crush. When you were having that particular crush; everything around you revolves around that person; you think about them all the time; you want to spend time with them etc; all the I-can't-live-without-him/her kinda thing. And that time, you seriously, truly believe that you can't never live without them; you couldn't even imagine a life without them in it. That's what I would call the losing-your-mind-for-him/her (LYMFH) period. And no one; I mean NO ONE; not even your closest friends or your family could say or do anything to make you snap out of it. Then came the heartbreak period. They did something and you were heartbroken and decided to forget about them. But then they did some nice things, said something nice and you're back in the LYMFH period again. This cycles continued for a while; depending on individuals. Some went through this in months; some spent years.

Until one day, they entered the he/she-is-no-good-for-me period or I-deserve-better period; this is the period when you realized that this relationship/crush is not going anywhere and you deserve someone better. This is the period when you really made the decision to let go. After this period, comes the dealing-with-broken-heart period. Everyone have their own unique way. Some cried their eyes out and move on, some become a workaholic then realize it wasn't helping, cry their eyes out and moved on, some just realize there are more things in life than what they had settled for and move on; everyone have their own way of dealing with it and some might take more time than others. After all, healing a severe wound takes a lot of time; hence a wounded, broken and shattered to pieces human heart. A quote from the Wizard of Oz; "Hearts will never be made practical until they can be made unbreakable." True indeed; it takes time when our hearts were broken; no matter what the reason might be; love, failure, betrayal or just cruel words. Like they say; time will heal and it's true. Because (a quote;) "When you lose someone, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time." That's why you will need the time; your own sweet time to get over a broken heart and move on.

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

BUT

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

So to all of you who had suffered a broken heart (I doubt there no one who had none), including myself; be strong. It's not the end of the world. The bigger power have woderful things instore for us and who are we to just wail and complaints at our current situation? Believe me, 10 years from now you will look back and say "Yeah.. I've been through that.. It was hard but I got over it... I'm happy with the way my life turned out..." In fact, looked back about 5 years ago or maybe last year's failure/broken heart. It doesn't feel that bad now, right? Human heart are very fragile to the slightest touch, to the simplest words and to the most ignorant acts but it is strong enough to continue beating and to move on even after crushed, broken and shattered into pieces.

Blood Type and Personality

2010-01-09T12:58:00.000+09:00

Japanese have this interesting culture of judging a person's personality by their blood test and the other way around. It's very famous up to the point they have daily fortune telling using blood type instead of horoscope. I didn't know my blood type until quite recently. My lab member kept asking me about my blood type and it was killing them not knowing and killing me seeing them like that. So when I went back home to Malaysis last summer, I took the blood test and found out my blood type is B+.

So, when I came back to Japan, I told everyone and they were excited and relieved to know my result; weird rite? One thing settled. Or so I thought until one day I found out my lab professor have quite a deep interest in the relationship between blood type and personality. Btw, he told me his hobby is observing people; their personality, way of life etc. So, he started going on how I was a typical B type person; he said he had known I was one even before I took the blood test. Ok..... That made me curious so we spent about an hour talking about this while I ignored my graduation thesis. Nice rite?

Traits

So, here's some of the trait he told me.( most of them are bad traits)

A - diligent (majime), perfectionist, worrywart, -----> In short; my professor. He admit it himself and from what I have seen, he's the typical A type.

B - self centered sometimes selfish, stubborn, like to have their own way, say opinion out loud and positive thinker (i.e sees good in things even when it's bad) -------> Me (according to him; I don't know if he said all these just to critisize me and I seriously think he secretly enjoying saying these to my face =_=)

AB - a bit crazy, unpredictable ------> He gave three names of my classmate and I couldn't do anything but nod and agree.

O - absent-minded, go with the flow (change according to people around), usually give up in the middle --------> a lab member of mine is an O; he's exactly like what's written on top.

Compatibility

A ----> NEVER good with B; high rate of divorce for this couple
    ----> not so great with AB but better than B
    ----> great with O

O -----> great with any because O will go with the flow

AB ----> the end of world with another AB

Conclusion

   I am what he said a typical B is and I couldn't agree more. My professor is an A; I could go along with him well most of the time but got pissed with him most of the time too. That could explained a lot. AB; I have to agree when I see that three classmates of mine. But you can't hate them which explains why AB is the universal recipient? O; probably the most flexible of all; he could survive anywhere. Most of Japanese are A type; that would explained why they're like what they are or the other way around... No wonder O is the universal donor....

Some believe this culture begins because the need to know something personal about a person when we first meet so that we can have some expectation about their personality and how they would react. And since asking for blood type isn't rude like asking about their family or personal life, this culture started spreading and accepted. Sound good enough.....

So, what's your blood time and does the given traits matches?

Me and Myself.....

2010-01-08T22:22:00.000+09:00

No one's perfect. We all know that but we don't really know our own imperfections or our own traits that people find annoying or hard to deal with. Is it ever possible to look at yourself objectively and list down all your charm points, annoying trait and bad habit? Some people might be too harsh on themself and some might be too lenient... I guess it's possible up to an extent but we can't never see ourself as the people around us sees us. It's physically and mentally impossible... So, what do to if you want to improve yourself and changed some bad habits or annoying traits? Probably as a new year resolution?

The traditional solution: ask the people around you; the people close to you. The problem: they would probably tell you the truth but not the WHOLE truth. Because they're afraid they might hurt your feeling. And they're right. No matter how much you say "I want your honest opinion. I won't be mad at all"; you will be hurt or at least thinking "Do I really do that?" or "Am I that bad?". So, better not put them and yourself in that situation.

Ok, here me trying to look at me and my personality objectively. Feel free to add but I don't guarantee I wouldn't give you the "I didn't know that's how you're thinking of me.." kinda look. Kidding... No... Kidding.. No.. I don't know; you decide.. =D

One, I'm a very moody person and the world have to move according to my mood. To the people around me; be happy when I am and leave me alone when I'm not in the mood. And my mood swing gets worst with PMS (pre and post). Solution; currently working to smile even when I don't feel like it and be patient with the craziness and the pressure around me -----> Working very hard on it... (priority)

Two, stubborn. (very?) If things's don't go my way, I'm outta the way. But I think I'm able to accept opinion and critics, maybe not at the moment but after a few days or hours of thinking (usually after a good night sleep). Solution; be more patient and always maintains a cool and calm manner ------> On it.

Three, selfish/ self-centered? Someone said this right to my face. But I wasn't upset since I am a bit selfish and self-centered with someone I'm comfortable enough to be with. Solution; Be such only with certain people------> Solved.

Fourth, a person I hate is a person I hate, for a long long long time. Up until now, not one person that I've learned to hate managed to make me like them again; no matter what they do. NEVER. Solution; don't make me hate you------> Solved

Fifth, let-the- 'future me'- handle it- way of thinking. Bad... Very bad. I like to live in the present; the past is done;the future is yet to come. Solution; think about the future (be futuristic?) and plans ahead -------> Trying.

Sixth, running away from problems (hate confrontation). I think I develop this trait since I came to Japan. Before, I like confrontation; I used to think is as a place to see how fast your brain and your mouth can keep up with the fight. Extreme right? Now, say no to confrontation! I run away from problems until I can't run no more; usually when the problem caught up with me. Solution; get hold of the old me but not too extreme------> Thinking about it

Seventh, my pride is high. It doesn't usually show but I know it's there; secretly lurking inside of me. Sometimes, it's the only thing that keeps me going when I'm at my lowest. Solution; no need for one? ------> Solved for the time being..

There, I managed to list seven of my weakness. Though I think there are worst things that I might not realize or in denial to realize. Feel free to add; seriously. I really think I can handle it; I think so. =D

New Year's Gift

2010-01-05T17:30:00.000+09:00

I've started a new tradition for myself; buying a New Year's Gift for myself. It maybe another reason for me to buy something I like but who cares? As long as I'm happy right? Two years ago, I spent my winter hols in Tokyo with my best of friends; my JJ gang. And I shopped A LOT at that time. 2008 New Year's gift(s) include a grey evening coat from Uniqlo (I've always wanted one and it was on sale), a black and pink tote? bag from Adidas and a few more.

Last year, 2009; I spent my new year alone in a hotel; literally ALONE. No friends or even acquaintances around me and I was sad as hell. I realized at that time human CANNOT live alone and how important communication with other human is. Valuable lesson learned from last year new year. And I got myself a new purse; a long light brown with alphabets purse. I've been wanting to buy that particular purse for quite some time now. So when I walked around the shopping mall alone and I saw it on sale, I bought it without thinking much. It's not from a famous brand but I like the design and it's not expensive. I've used it since and I really like it.

So this year I was thinking of getting myself something for the new year. Btw, I spent 2010 new year alone again but I didn't feel sad at all. I needed a time alone for myself especially when I took a break from my research on 30 Dec for a while. My research will continue after 6 Jan so I really needed the time alone from everything. It was heaven!!! I sat all day long inside the warm futon and do nothing but watch TV, eat junk food and surf the Net. I had a round of snow fight before my kouhai left Matsue so I was satisfied with the little adventure we had. I stayed inside all day long. It was really NICE!!! After about a month of waking up early and sleeping late for my babies, I got some time away from my babies. God, I LOVE being single again~~ Parenthood took all my time and life. I'm so glad I had myself to myself again....

So, I was very satisfied with my New Year with myself. So, the gift. What I really want was a super nice red coat from Forever 21. The coat is cheap compared to its usual price. But I couldn't bring myself to buy it because I already have a lot of coats (not a red one though) so I gave up and decided I will buy it some other time (if it's still on sale). It was a tough decision to make for I really wanted a red coat. But I got to live with my decision. I needed and wanted to find something, so me and Fika, my kouhai went to Saty (a shopping mall in Matsue) and I looked around for gifts. To myself and for a few coming birthdays. I found the gifts for others but couldn't decided what to buy for myself. Nothing interest me that much and I don't really need anything in particular.

In the end, I found a cute bracelet and thinking that it would nice substitute for my fav heart necklace that I've lost (Come back to me, dear necklace!!!), so I bought it. It was nice and girlish. Haha.. I know, not ME but who cares? I thought about it a lot before deciding so it was a smart decision. Also I've learnt how to know whether you're going to regret buying that 'something' or regret NOT buying that 'something'. It takes a lot of practice and I can say that I've become a wise shopper. So I bought it. And I got myself a planner; the pocket diary/ appoinment notebook/schedule diary kinda thing. (I don't know the official name?) I saw a lot of Japanese use it and I started using it myself last year. It's VERY useful. So, there I have it. 2010 New Year's Gift(s) is a cute bracelet and a nice planner/ pocket diary/ appoinmentt book.

I think I'm going to continue with this tradition. While people go around writing their new year resolution or recap of what happened last year, I don't. Coz I could barely remember month by month what happened last year. And usually my new year resolution never come true for I will forget about it in around February. So buying these New Year's Gift will remind me what I was thinking when I bought it and what had happened after I bought it. Kinda like a remainder for the not-so-clear new year resolution and a remainder what had happened before and after I bought it.

Someone told me 'ものより思い出’ (Mono yori omoide) which means 'Memories are more important than things' but I think in this case, 'ものから思い出' (Mono kara Omoide) which means 'Memories FROM things'. =D

My 2010 New Year's Gift(s)

The 'Loop'

2009-12-30T11:46:00.000+09:00

Do you have the 'loop'? Where do you do the same thing over and over again no matter how many times the same thing happens and you promised yourself this time it's going to be diffrent. An extreme example; domestic violence. The wife can't never get out of the 'loop' because when the husband apologize she would think this would be the last time; he won't do it again. And the loop continues until something or someone help to break the loop; usually intervention from outside. Another example; a typical example is how people always fall in love again and again with the same person (usually a bad boy or a bad girl). They treat you wrong, you give up; they apologized, you accept. And the 'loop' continues.

Don't worry coz it is NOT domestic violence in my case (coz I have no 'domestic' to begin with) or not the 'fall in love over and over again' part (not exactly). It's how I always forgive people who had wronged or hurt me. But only the people I really care or I thought worth caring. Other people who are nothing or nothing much to me, I don't care if they hurt me or wronged me coz I don't give a damn; I don't get hurt. But when the people who you really care (from the bottom of your heart, if I might add) hurt you or wronged you, the pain and anger is nothing like anyone can imagine; it hurts so much and very frustrating since you can't do anything to make it stop.

But of course, there's the 'loop' so if they apologized or do something sweet to make up for whatever wrong or mistakes they had done, no need to say, you give up and accept their apology--> the 'loop'. Need I say more? Well, I've always been in the 'loop' and I can't get out of it. The 'loop' with my friend and the person that I like; the people around me. (I think family is excluded from this, at least mine is). I know I have to do something but that's the point; I can't. I'm too happy being in the 'loop', at least the happy part before the mistakes and after the mistakes. Twisted as it might sound, the loop makes me happy though I will be hurt at one point. And I don't call it a 'loop' for nothing; it happens over and over again; both the happy part and the hurtful part too.

Long story short, I was at the downside of the 'loop' 2 days ago but now I'm over the downside and back in the 'everything happy and nice' part of the loop. Still there and I hope the downside won't be coming too soon. Well, I can just enjoy this 'everything nice and happy' upside and just hope it would be some time before the downside decided to visit me again. Until then, peace from the 'loop'~~

the wrong person for all the right reason...

2009-12-29T09:08:00.000+09:00

You can always hear people say 'He's not the one' 'You deserve better' or 'He's the wrong person for you'. And deep down inside, you know they are the wrong person but what if they were the wrong person but for all the right reason? You like them for who they are, they make you a better person, make you happy etc and who they are is everything right; everything you have wanted and you needed. But what if that is not enough? What if they are the person with all the right reason for us, but then they are just 'NOT' the right person; the wrong person. What do you do when you like a wrong person for all the right reasons. Which should you trust? The person or the reasons? I seriously don't know..... And it's killing me not knowing.....

Why Am I Here?

2009-12-28T20:06:00.000+09:00

Have you ever had this moment? When you were doing your usual job, homeowrk maybe, studying or in my case; polishing my precious babies, you stop and ponder; why am I here? How did I get here again?Anyone? No? Well I did; while polishing my babies; something that can be called my normal routine for these past 3 weeks. And I wasn't be able to give 'myself' a satisfying answer and I got depressed though I was up and happpy a few hour ago. Probably what happened yesterday came back to my mine; how the lab I used to feel so excited to go become a very dreadful place to head to. But I have to go; for my babies. Nothing else matter right now. No matter how I hate going to that dreadful place; probably because it always make me hope a little too much than I should only to be disappointed later on, I still have to go. We usually don't get what we want in life; usually what we have right now is nothing like we had imagined. But even so, there is always something important; something worth sacrificing; something worth protecting. So, just ignore everything else and just concentrate on that one important thing. And probably things would just fall into place; probably even better than you had imagined. It doesn't hurt to hope, right? It would make everything less dreadful and a little more bearable =)

my precious babies~~

Have You Ever?

2009-12-28T00:09:00.000+09:00

Have you ever got this feeling when you're with someone? A friend or a special person... You got this feeling that you're so tired and feel like you had reach your limit; you feel like you cannot be patient/ keep up/ get along with that person every again. Usually you get this feeling when the same things/ mistakes/ fights happened over and over again. You feel so tired; even too tired to be mad or to yell at them or to just say anything. The only thing that came to your mind and came out of your mouth is 'I'm tired.'/'I don't think I can't do this anymore..'/ 'I think I had enough'./ 'I don't think I can keep up anymore'. Have you ever had that kind of feeling?

If you do, what you do at times like this? It's too tired holding on and yet you don't feel like you can just let go and move on. I just had THAT feeling today with someone who had been with me for almost a year. A lot had happened; we fight, we become good buddies again like nothing happened and so the cycle continues. Usually, things turned out ok, someone apologized or someone made up for their mistakes. and the cycle continues and I just forgive and forget. But like what someone said; WOMEN FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET... Perhaps I don't really forget about what happened. That's why I feel so tired when I thought 'Here we go again..' But I'm not mad anymore about what had happened in the past. I just feel TIRED to face the same thing again and the feeling doesn't go away.

I'm so tired and I really don' think I could go on like this. Perhaps I will; just like before. If you truly love a person, accept them for who they are? But what if by accepting them, you're forcing yourself to do things you don't really like? Or you're turning into someone you don't like?

But seriously I never had this kind of feeling; feeling really tired and just tired.What am I supposed to do? Time will tell? Hope so coz I aint got much time~~

Déjà vu (Rambling; read with cautions)

2009-12-05T22:33:00.000+09:00

(From Wiki)
Déjà vu is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain.

Long story short; when something happened at a particular moment, you suddenly feel like you've seen/done/heard this before. I experienced 3 déjà vu ( I don't know the plural for it) this year; 2 with the same person. You don't feel it coming but then something just struck and you're like "I've seen/done this before!!" Yeah, that's how my déjà vu happened; the most recent one was last Tuesday at my lab. I got the feeling that I've been in that particular situation but I never noticed I was speaking Japanese or being in Japan; it was more like a distant yet full of impact kinda feeling. I'm sure everyone have at least one experience with déjà vu. No? Anyone?

But then again, there's the thing that you've been through and you think you had gotten over it but then it turned out you're not and whatever happened before happen again; the 'sarcastic and cruel' kinda déjà vu. For example, falling in love with the same person though you know with all your heart that he is just not for you and you thought you're over him but it turned out you weren't and now you're desperately falling in love with him again despite the FACT that you know how it will end; ugly and you know you will get tired and get hurt like before but you can't just stop yourself.

How about that kinda déjà vu; knowing how something will happen and how it will end but you are so powerless to do anything about it. That just sucks... I know and honestly I'm going through one myself. Yeah, what's new? (I know you're rolling your eyes, Miss!!!) But that is just what I'm doing. I don't mean to be sarcastic or ungrateful but EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Believe me because I've been both the 'saying' person and 'doing' person before, now too. So I know how both party feel; believe me. And no one can do anything about it. The 'saying' person will be like "Come on!!! Get over it already!!!" while the 'doing' person is like "I can't get over it!! You don't understand my feeling!!!" Bla bla bla and it might end up in a fight.

But to tell you the truth; both party are right; from their own point of view. No one can understand someone's feeling unless they have been through 'EXACTLY' the same thing and thinking 'EXACTLY' how the person is. Which is IMPOSSIBLE. I think the best way possible is for both the 'saying' person and the 'doing' person to just listen to each other although deep inside you can't just wait to scream out and tell them how you really feel coz at the end of the day, we don't expect someone to settle our problem (that would be great but let's not hope too much), we just want someone to listen to what we're saying and feel that someone actually care. *For women only, I don't know if guys feels the same..

So, I'm going through this déjà vu thing and I know how it will end and maybe with some luck, I can get a better ending than before (unlikely). And I would really appreciate if you could just listen and just... LISTEN. "We've been over this before" "I thought you've got over this" "You know what I'm going to say.." "You're letting it happen again!!" "Take control! Change the ending!!"----> this is the kinda thing that I wouldn't want anyone to say to me when this déjà vu thingy is going on. In the end, I just want you to lend an ear and listen for you're not in my shoes; you can never will be (not your fault btw) so could you please just listen and just be there. Coz this is the time I might need you the most. Tough love is great love but it can break you sometimes; especially when you're at your weakest. Who said love was easy? (they've surely never love or being loved----> families included). Loving and caring for a person can be so difficult for because of a touch; you can either hurt or heal... (wow, I just said something nice~~)

Conclusion; if someone is yapping and whining about the things you know they had been through and they're letting themself suffer again, the words "We've been through this" is an absolute no-no. Just listen and if you don't know what to say, say these exact words: "I don't know what to say because I'm not going through what you're going through right now. All I can do is just listen so just tell me everything you want to ok? I'll be here and I will listen to you..." Not so hard eh? But why most people find it VERY difficult to say these few words instead they would rather fight, scream, yell and hurt each other. Makes you wonder huh?

The Ugly Truth or The Beautiful Lies?

2009-11-29T16:15:00.000+09:00

If you were to choose from seeing, knowing the ugly truth or the beautiful lies; which would you choose? Of course most would say the truth since it's the truth. But are you strong enough, can't you really accept the truth for as long as I'm concerned, the truth ain't beautiful; it's ugly. Sometimes so ugly that you wish you didn't know. But if you were to choose the beautiful lies, of course everything would be peachy and cherry but you'd be living in ignorance; not knowing better. But you won't get hurt because everything is all nice and kind to you. Ignorance is bliss. So, which one would you rather have is the real question...

I used to think that knowing the ugly truth is important but sometimes it doesn't hurt to be lost in the beautiful lies. But recently, after some certain incident ( I would rather not say) I think I've kinda change what I think about this whole think. The so called incident; I was so happy and all peachy about the beautiful lies and damn, I was happy. But then I knew the ugly truth and it just ripped everything out; it was mind blowing. And I was left with shock and I refused to believe but then when the realization sank; everything made sense. And that was when the beautiful lies unfolded itself into the ugly truth.

I felt betrayed and for those who know me well, I can tolerate almost anything but BETRAYAL. Betray me and God know I could never look at that person's face again. Instead of hating them; I feel nothing towards them. After all the opposite of love is not hatred; but indifference. I've been betrayed a lot and I've hurt a lot. And just when I thought I know how to see through lies; I was informed that I'm not. Fine, I learn from my mistakes.

So what if you've seen the ugly truth and you don't like it? You'll learn to accept it even you hate it, even you can't cope with it; you'll learn to just accept it for it's the truth no matter how much you try to deny. And I've realized that you should be grateful that you've seen the ugly truth; for now you've known albeit you don't like it. Let's think of a person as an example. There's this person who's so nice and kind to you that made you feel they really care, that made you feel appreciated. And there's this person who most of the time is annoying and almost a jerk but nice and kind when you really need it (which is very rare). This is the simplest example of the beautiful lies and the ugly truth. Which would you rather pick? If you were actually to be with this person.

Turned out, the nice person is the beautiful lies (duh?) and the jerk is the ugly truth. But if you don't know that the nice person is really a jerk, a pretender, you wouldn't see through the lies and you will keep thinking that the pretender is nicer than the sorta kind jerk. But when you knew that the person was really a pretender, you would so appreciated the jerk for being the sorta kind jerk because you know that's the real them; that's the ugly truth though you don't like it, it's the damn whole truth.

I thought people could change for the better for someone. It's hard but if you put your mind to it, it can be done. But now I've realized; people can BARELY change who they are because that's the truth, ugly as it is. And if a person really cares for you, they won't expect you to change for the better, they won't ask you to be someone else. Instead they would accept you for who you are, regardless how the ugly the truth is.

Falling Leaves of Autumn

2009-11-28T22:29:00.000+09:00

It's been quite a while since it's started getting cold and the leaves turning yellow and orange. Autumn is here to stay. I like autumn because it's cool and everything seemed so calm and moving at a very relaxing pace. You could just look around and noticed the difference. Here's some pictures of 'my' autumn here in Japan.

With Fyqa n Nurul

With Fyqa near a Christmas Tree

Nurul took this picture.. Notice the tree behind; it's all about 'Autumn'

Mimie, Chong and Me at Daisenji~~

Autumn in My Heart

On the way to school.. Near the baseball ground..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha

2009-11-27T23:54:00.000+09:00

I would like to start by wishing Happy Hari Raya Aidiladha to all Muslims... And I really hope everyone is having a nice time with their family and friends. Because I'm not really be able to do so today.

For one, today is school as usual in Japan and I don't think Japanese even know about this particular event. So, it's just like a normal Friday to them and sadly for us too. We wake up and then go to school. Just like any other day. Maybe we should celebrate during weekend but we don't have the time and the energy. Mid semester exam starts next week and I don't anyone have the mood to cook anything special. But we're still lucky cause some people were actually having their exam today.

I haven't got any class until noon because it's research time until 2. But my sensei (professor) went to Kyoto University for some research thingy and the next step in my research need him; so well, I had nothing to do. I did nothing much; did my reports and copy some notes. Then I went to class. So, again; everything is normal here. Just like any other day... Noting special. When I called my Mom later, she told me how they celebrated. They ate ketupat and rendang and everything delicious!!!! I ate Nestum for breakfast, instant noodle for lunch and leftover tomyam from yesterday for dinner. Huhuhu.. I want to go back~~

The Three Musketeers

2009-11-26T18:36:00.000+09:00

Yes, when I said 'The Three Musketeer', I mean Da 'The Three Musketeer', Da Classic by Alexandre Dumas. Believe it or not, I haven't read it until recently (to be precise I finished yesterday), so I've decided to say a thing ot two about this piece and maybe some would be interested enough to pick up this book. Three word: I LOVE IT!!!! This post is more likely 'a book review' so feel free to read if you're interested in books and novels.

Yes, it's classic. Yes, some people might think it's boring and honestly I too felt the same until recently. There's a few 'incident' that led me to actually read the book. First was the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire'. If you've watched the movie, then you would understand. The last question for the hero to be a millionaire was the name of the third musketeer. I didn't know and it was killing me. Then I found out that the names of the musketeers was Athos, Porthos and Aramis. That satisfied me for a while. The second incident was when I watch the movie 'The Ugly Truth' (truth be told; the movie is ugly and REALLy dirty). The name of Katherine Heigl's cat was d'Artagnan. Somehow that name ring a bell but I couldn't immediately remember. Then I found out it was the name of one of the main characters in The Three Musketeer. So, now I've known. The third incident was the ultimate knock-out. It was when I watched purely by chance a new piece from Mitani Kouki ( a famous script/screen writer in Japan). It's a wooden puppet drama title 'Neo-The Three Musketeer' (新三銃士). Some might think it's a little childish, (yeah puppets) but it's a very nice show. The puppets seemed real and filled with emotions. I really like it. But since the tittle is 'Neo' so there must be some changes and being someone who cannot bear not knowing; I decided to read the original novel.

   Luckily our college library is filled with classic english novels. Not the recent or modern novels but all classic. And I found the novel in no time. So I began reading it between classes and I finished it in two days (4 hours exactly). Of course it was boring at first and the words and metaphors sometimes just lost you but when you've got used to the literature of it; it's a very enjoyable journey. And it's filled with suspense with all the conspiracy, the battle of witting and outwitted, and the fighting and you can't help feeling like you've become one of them; being there and just watch how things unfolded. And the story is told from a third point of view; like a narrator telling the story to us and I enjoyed it very much since most nowadays novels are usually from either a first or second person point of view. And it's really a satisfying experience; you can't never read what will be coming. And there are brilliant jokes and sarcasm with I found very charming. There were few times when I laughed out loud in the silent library and everyone looked at me with 'what's up with her' look. This novel gave me an insight to the life of people at that time and there are a few 'customs' I, probably we who live in current times couldn't understand. One of them is how they easily engaged in a battle (of swords of course) and literally fight to the death. You wonder how easy people were killed at that time all in name of honour (of them and the women they loved etc). And the second one was how easily they engaged in an affair. Yes, love affairs with married women. It was very refreshing; an age much diffrent to what we're living currently.

    Of course, there will always be an ending to all novels and that is the saddest part for me. Finished reading a novel give you satisfaction but a bit of loneliness at the same time; now that you've known, now that everything had end, there's nothing to do. The suspense from not knowing and the excitement to know more finally come to the end with the end of the novel. Also that can be done is to find more excitement and satisfaction in another novels. And sadly, the end did come for this brilliant work of art. It was a little sad when I read the last few pages. Of course the ending concluded what happened to our musketeers and how they lived their life after all the adventures. It was a indeed a sad separation with the characters.

But then I found out Alexandre Dumas did wrote a few other novels about the main character, d'Artagnan and I would really like to read them. But of course our library doesn't have them and I might have to buy it on my own which I might do. Not now, maybe later because it's quite expensive here in Japan. In case you still haven't notice, I LOVE to read. Novels, story books, whatever but definately NOT the textbooks used during classes. Finding; encountering a book is like a meeting destined by fate; you will definately change after reading a book. No matter how small and insignifacant the changes may seem; you WILL change. Your world will seem bigger or perhaps smaller and somewhat different from before. And that feeling is vey addictive. At least to me. What kind of book will I read next? Is it a chick lit or a serious drama or a thriller or an adventure or a sci-fi??  Can't wait to meet my next book~~

2012 and 31

2009-11-23T23:10:00.000+09:00

Yesterday me, Mimie and our juniro Chong went to Saty. We were on a mission to watch the new movie; 2012. We heard high credit about this movie so we decided to watch it. We went out at about 9.30 and reached there around 10. The movie started at 10. After buying popcorns and drinks (must have), we entered the screen and watched it. I LOVE it!!! It was full with thrill and suspense and a lot of sad scenes and some brilliant jokes. I cried most of the time; it was very touching and impressive. The CG was first class and everything seem so real that you could actually imagine how scary it will be if such thing really happened. The three of us were very satisfied with the movie.

After watching the movie, we gave ourself a treat from 31. (Here in Japan, Baskin Robin is called 31). I ordered Double Sundae; Chocolate and Caramel Ribbon with Chocolate Topping. God, I LOVE chocolate!!!! And the combination with Caramel Ribbon is NICE~~ After walking around anf bought some stuff, we went back. It was a very nice day out; the COMPANY is nice, the MOVIE was satisfiying, the TREAT was delicious; it was PERFECT!! A short get away before facing the 'sure to be hell' exam week starting next week. -_-

Rambling~

2009-11-19T21:42:00.000+09:00

I have a few things I like to ramble today. Read at your own risk...

1) Sesame Street

You must like what? Yes, Sesame Street. I think everyone know what Sesame Street is. For people who doesn't know, Sesame Street is a television programme for kids; using muppets as the main characters. I literally grew up watching Sesame Street and I even watch it up until certain age. (let that be a secret=)) Long story short, while I was browsing the Net at my lab (I was bored, ok?) I came across Sesame Street Top 10 Best Scene. I watched it and it just brings back memories. I LOVE Cookie Monster and I DON'T understand why people like Elmo so much. I also like Ernie and Bert and I STILL think Big Bird is kinda scary. Some thing doesn't change~~

2)Incapability To R&R (Realize and React)

I know I'm complicated; I don't even understand myself. But I don't ask people to understand me, I just want people to show that they care, once in a while is enough. And I become very frustrated when people act like nothing had happened; like nothing matters. Argh!!! Guys (yes, I'm talking about guys if you haven't notice..) and their insensitivity!!!! Just drive me crazy!! How could you act like nothing happened when the biggest thing in history just happened in front of your eyes???!!!! COME UP! WAKE UP!!! REALIZE AND REACT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I needed that~~

3) Love Test

My sister told me about a Love Test on Facebook. I tried it and it was very interesting. The questions doesn't seem related with the result but when you think carefully, they do have some significance.

My result;
a) You don't easily fall in love----> I don't? I think I do.....
b) You give 0% but expect 100%------> NO!!!!!! I expect a lot, yes but I don't mind giving too
c) You like to avoid problems -----> BINGO! I like running till I can't run anymore from probs
d) You like to see him(bf) a lot------> Hell yeah! Isn't everyone?
e) You expect him to change for you-----> Now that you mention it... hmmm... probably?
f) You stay in love for a long time------> Yes, my weakness. I can't forget that person unless I don't TALK, SEE and HEAR about them. Twisted? Yes, I know...

4) Autumn

It's autumn in Japan, in Matsue but lately it's been very cold. And there's no comfortable, warm place to run to. During summer, the best place is our lab because it's so cool and nice. But now, it's still cool which is not suitable with the current season. But my lab member, Momi taught me a nice trick. The trick is to open the blind and let an appropriate amount of sunshine in, and just sat inside the pool of sunshine (ひだまり). And boy, it feels good; the warmth is just nice~~ Both of us sat there for quite some time (on the floor) until someone told us we were like cats; bathing in the warm sunshine. I don't hate cats, in fact I LOVE them (SANO!!!! BABY!!!!!) Now I understand the feeling to just lie down and bath the warm sunshine. It feels so good I'm going to do it again tomorrow =D

A Heart Breaking & Mind Wrecking Weekend

2009-11-17T11:05:00.000+09:00

The tittle said it all; how I had gone through my weekend. Those close to me might immediately understand why because they know exactly what happened.

On Saturday, we had our foreign students activity; we went to Daisen to watch momiji. It was ok despite a certain annoying person. When we came back, I had to prepare to go to Osaka that night with bus. Ok, fine. I'm tired but I'll live. I'm going to Osaka not to have fun but to take an exam. Ok, fine. I still can go through with it. But then Nina called and tell me something that just made my world fell apart. Her senior; which I had known through her stories from the first time she met him; which I learn to like though I never met him; which I believe with all my heart that he's a very nice person, had died because of an accident. Nina was still in shock so she didn't say much but I cried hard. I cried for his misfortune; I cried for the future he will never see; I cried for his family and friends and mostly I cried because I know how much he meant to Nina; how much his friendship and his kindness meant to Nina.

I cried so much it puzzled me why. I never met this guy, I never even saw his face, all I know about him is stories I heard from Nina; from the first day she met him until the day before he died. Is it just me or it is just normal? I know how it feel to lose someone while the last you saw them was them talking and smiling; being alive. At first it just doesn't make sense. But when the realization sank it; you will cry your heart out; when you realize that they've gone and will NEVER come back again. And I probably cried so hard because I know how it feels; how much it hurts. And he was a very nice person. And when I think about the promises he made; that will NEVER be fufilled, how can I not cry?

Human never learn how to cope with losing; no matter how many time you've gone through it. Losing is never easy; never was. This is hard for me, and I know it's harder for her, but we'll get through this; we will. That is why human forgets; so that the pain will grew numb and slowly forgotten with time. And in this case, nothing can EVER truly heals the pain but time will heal the pain; it will make the pain bearable; and eventually it will help us move on.

If you still remember, yes, after hearing the news, I got on my bus to Osaka, alone. I realized that was the kinda of time when you really want and need someone by your side; just to be there and just to listen to you cry or just listen to your silence. And I did have someone. He wasn't by my side but he stayed with me as long as I wanted. I did called someone before I went out but it was a mistake; now I've realized. But as I sat at the station alone; surrounded by strangers who know nothing about me and my sadness; he called. God knows how grateful I was to be able to just talk to someone; to just cry to someone who care. Thank you for being there for me. You're a true friend; a savior; I can't imagine my life without you~~

In loving memories of Okamoto Kazutoshi (岡本和敏）Though I never met you and never will, I've come to know you as a nice and kind person; a person who was able to light another's day. Someone said a person's value is judged by the tears people cried for them when they died. I don't know how many cried for you, but I know that a perfect stranger had shed tears for your lost; you value that much. Your kindness and memories will never be forgoten; they shall live forever in our memory.

Forgotten Promise

2009-11-08T23:07:00.000+09:00

I've been thinking a lot for these past weeks and after a lots of laughter and tears, I've decided to stay. Btw, the 'stay' here doesn't refer to a place; it's more to a feeling so even if you don't understand, don't mind; I'm just rambling my thoughts here; that's how I always sort things out.

Yes, I've decided to stay.. Why? Because I can't imagine myself letting go and I don't wanna be miserable. And I know even if I decided to let go, I will fail trying; I'm not good at letting go especially without a closure. (Again, me rambling; ignore me). So, I'm just gonna stay and just enjoy the moment. I'm not gonna worry or think about the future, I'm just gonna live my current life to the fullest and when the time comes and I have to decide; so I will. I'll let the future 'me' handle that problem... (my fav quotes from How I Met Your Mother)

Btw, I LOVE 'How I Met Your Mother'. (Spoilers) I just love how Ted tells his kids about his life. And he had been through a lot of things with people he never expect. It shows how life is very unpredictable and how we should just take it as it comes and enjoy it!

I made my decision after I've watched an episode of Ugly Betty. Yes, I love Ugly Betty. (Spoilers) It's an episode when Betty and Henry decided to date secretly though Henry will be leaving in 5 months to meet his pregnant girlfriend. Betty almost gave up on Henry when Hilda said if she were given one more day with Santos(her dead husband), she will take even she know she will cry and be heartbroken after that. OMG!!! What she said when deep into my heart; it's something I've almost forgot.

There's a song I love. It's by Ronan Keating, If Tomorrow Never Comes. "Coz I've lost loved ones in my life; who'll never know how much I love them. Now I live with those regret that my true feelings for them never were revelaed. So I made a promise to myself; to say each day how much she means to me.. "

This is the exact same promise I've made to myself the last time I've lost my loved ones. Even until now I couldn't stop regretting that I've couldn't done more for them, I could've be kinder, I could've be more patient, I could've be angry lesser, I could've smile and laugh more and just enjoy the moment when they were by my side; no matter how hard the times were. And believe me when I say those kinda regret never fade; especially when you remember the times you had with them. 'If only I...... at that time...' So I've decided not to hesitate or to be shy to show how much I care, how much I love. People might say I'm too open, too straight-forward. But they don't realize how short our lives is. Our lives is too short to be shy to say I LOVE YOU, too short to just watch the person you like walk by instead saying hi, too short to just ignore them instead of just to look at them and feel how much you love them, too short to hold your tongue instead of telling them how they've been on your mind; to short to just NOT doing anything!

I've forgotten about that promise. And watching Betty last night; it just reminded me about what I've promised myself. To show how much they means to me, to show how much I love them, to show how precious they are to me; everything I could do so that they would know how much I care about them and how I feel about them.

That's why I've decided to stay; to hold on; no matter how twisted I will be, no matter how hard I will cry and no matter how heartbroken I will be later.I can't let go. This moment is to precious for me to just walk away. I know I will get hurt, I know I will be heartbroken but at the same time, I can look back and say "I've done everything I could. Altough things turned out to be like this, I have NO regret"

Should I Stay?

2009-11-07T16:27:00.000+09:00

Ever got the feeling that you don't belong to that one place? No matter how you like it and no matter how much your heart wish to stay; you can't (for a lot of reasonable and not so reasonable reasons)... You want to; with all your heart but you know you can't... What do you do if you're in that kinda situation? Will you let go? Can you ever let go? Will you stay? And can you stay without ever having the same doubts again? The biggest problem in my life; solve it and you hit the jackpot~~

In Bleach (Episode 160 I think), (warning: spoilers ahead!!!!) there's this one episode about Rukia and Kaien. Rukia was having doubt about where she should truly be.. She was worried about where she truly stand when she first entered 13th squad. Then she (Rukia) became close with her superior, Kaien and the thought escaped from her lips and he heard: Why am I even here? He started by asking what she thinks about heart. She showed her chest; where our heart is. But then he said that he thinks heart is found between two person. He said "When two person come in contact with each other; a heart is born for the first time. Heart is not inside our body. When we think of something, or care about someone, that is when our hearts are born. If you were the only person in the entire world. There's nothing to worry about. If you wish with all your heart to stay here, then your heart will remain here. If your heart is here, then that is the reason why you should be here."

Deep isn't it? His reply was so deep that it made me feel like it was the answer to the big question; he hit the jackpot (sorta). The big question: Do I truly belong here? If so why can't I truly feel happy from my heart? Why the doubts and worry about do I belong here crept into my heart from time to time? Those are Rukia's doubts and they were the same as mine. And his answer cleared up everything. I watched this episode when I was having the 'where do i really belong' doubts and it really went deep inside of me. What he said practically solve my problem(sorta). He used the word 'heart' but I think he was referring to heart as bond between people. It all make sense!!! If I wish with all my heart to stay here, then this is where I should be...

But it still doesn't solve my problem. I want to stay, with all my heart. But should I? And even if I decide to let go, will I ever be able to do so? They said when you love something let it go, if it comes back; it's yours, if not; it never was.. Bla bla bla.. I think that's B******T. The biggest problem is letting go, for God sake! Even if you think you've let go, are you really? That's not letting go, that's just driving yourself crazy and miserable.

Just like the movies, the hero let go of the heroin; he walked out of her life. But then he was miserable, isn't he? He lives but he's not happy. He's far away from her but he never stop thinking about her. How's that not miserable?? But of course, all movies have happy ending which means she will come to find him and they will live happily ever after; which does NOT work in real life. If you did the same thing, believe me, you woud be miserable on your own unless you wake up and started to LIVE your own life, not the miserable life of remembering his/her!!

What is letting go? Can we really let go of something just like that? Can we able to say that we never regret our choices of letting go? Can you ever let go without having a closure? And what can you do if you can't get one? Do you stay or do you what? move on? Will you be happy if you let go or would you be happy if you stay? That's the million dollar question, isn't it? I don't think anyone could give a immediate answer when I ask; SHOULD I STAY?

My Mister

2009-11-04T22:19:00.000+09:00

My 'Mister' is my way of calling the guy I'm waiting. He could be my future boyfriend and hopefully my future husband. To me other names like Mr. Perfect or Prince Charming are a little bit cheesy for my own liking so I would prefer 'My Mister'. But I think you know and understand the meaning. All girls wait for their Mr.Perfect@ Prince Charming and I'm waiting for 'my Mister'.

Writing about love quotes yesterday really made me wonder who will be 'my Mister' and what kind of person he is... And though I haven't meet him yet (I think), I would really love it if he actually have these '11 Things ABout My Mister'.... Read through and tell me what you think~~

1. He understand my joke and would laugh at it no matter how stupid it is (vice versa)
* There is no bigger turn-off when I made a joke (purposely) and he just stared back at me; not understanding and not laughing. I have to admit a certain level of understanding is needed before people can see through my jokes (mostly black jokes) and nothing made me feel happier than to hear the laughter errupted from what I said~~

2. He doesn't smell (bad smell in particular)
* I have a very sensitive nose which I got from my Ibu and I'm very sensitive to smell/ odor/scent etc. And I hate a person that smells bad because their problem with cleanliness. (Seriously, I can tell..) It's hard to satisfy my nose but a neutral smell (no smell) or a nice not too strong perfume/deodorant/ cologne is just nice~~ I'm not exaggerating when I say; most of the time, I identify people by the way they smell... Some might think this is gross, but this is the way I am and I'm proud with my sense of smell....

3. He knows everything
* I've always admired my Ayah because he seemed like he knows about everything. He never said 'I don't know' whenever I ask him questions. And I really like it when he tell me trivial things. And I do hope my 'Mister' could do the same. Some trivial facts told between silly jokes and daily conversation; nothing can beat that. Learning never cease no matter how old we get~~

4. He knows when to let me go and when to catch me whenever I fall
* Many said they would like their 'Mister' to catch them when they fall. But sometimes I think people need to fall so that they could get up and learn from their fall. And I would really like my 'Mister' to catch me when I fall. But he too should know when to let me fall then help me pick up myself... When to do which might be a little difficult but if he really know about me; then he should be able to tell~~

5. He doesn't hesitate to use 'tough love'
* 22 years old now but I still act like a child especially when I'm stressed or doesn't get what I want. And I would like him to be able to say 'NO' and to tell me when I'm wrong. I may be mad and sulked around for a while ( a night of sleep to think) but I will eventually get around when I realize what is right and what is wrong. I didn't become 22 for nothing; I can be rational. But it takes time for me to realize the right thing and some more time to admit I was wrong.

6. He should be patient
* I still act like a kid if i don't get what I want, I have my moods from my pms (pre and post). And I usually say what I think; mostly without thinking of the consequences and I usually don't mean the horrible things I sometimes say. My 'Mister' should understand that this is what I am and accept me for what I am. I'll try to change for the better but he will have to be very very 'PATIENT'. Sorry~~

7. He must be older than me (maturity problems)
* Only now I know why Ibu put the 5 years min age diffrence. Age sometimes can be just numbers but age is also the numbers that showed how long you've lived; how well you know life. I've always thought myself as a mature person but now I know how wrong I am; never was. And my 'Mister' must be mature for me; to point out my mistakes, to show me the right way and to give me advices. And even it's hard for me to admit it; numbers in our age does show our maturity. Of course, he doesn't have to be 5 years older than me; enough to be a little bit older on the age but a lot older on the maturity~~

8. He knows when to speak and when to shut up
* I like to listen to people talking. But there's time when I just want nothing but silence. And I would appreciate it if he could talk crazy when I want to listen and just shut up and leave me alone when I want silence. Again, he have to understand me quite well to know when to do which. Ganbatte~~

9. He's a bit on the 'off' side
* I know you were like what???. But yes, I do prefer a guy who's a LITTLE BIT weird and quirky. It adds up spice to our boring life. We are all a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness.It's like icing on a cake; just a proper dose is enough. Too much or too little will keep you away. People around me know what my fav type of guy and it is NOT the handsome fashionable guys(Ex. Johnny's guys). My type of guys are usually guys with glasses (spectacles). Usually when I showed him to my friend (you know who you are~~), she would like 'Tak hensem pun~~" I know but somehow I'm attracted to those type of guys. What am I to say when my heart made all the decision??

10. He's willing to hear me out
* There's a lot "Follow my lead!!!" kinda guys. I don't think it's bad and I am willing to follow. But whether they listen to you when you think they're wrong is what differs them. I would like my Mister to listen to my opinion or POV before deciding on something. In the end, he might not listen to me (I'll get mad at that later) but his willingness to just stop and listen is what makes him special. Don't you think so?

11. He respects me as a person, as a woman, as a friend and as an equal
*No matter how educated he is, how smart he is or how perfect he is, everything will turn to zero when he looks down on you. And despite my wrong and my flaws, I would like him to accept me for who I am, see my good rather than my flaws and respect me for the person I am. And I will definately do the same~~

There! I've said it! It's so good to get it out from my system. Haha.. I'm not looking for a perfect guy; I'm looking for the one perfect guy for me. I know he's somewhere; maybe we've already met and maybe he's nearby. And if he could see me as who I am and still likes me, I promise I would do the same~~

I'm Still Happy But......

2009-11-03T21:29:00.000+09:00

Today, we; me, mimie n our kouhais(juniors) went to celebrate (uchiage) since we made 'some' money during Kousensai last time. We went to Joyful (our fav restaurant), ate all our heart want and after that we went for karaoke. We went out at 11 in the morning and came back around 8. How's that for a day out?? =D

Btw, today's Japan public holiday; Culture Day. And today is my sister, Athirah's birthday!!! How that for a birthday? Your birthday is a public holiday~~ Haha... Happy Birthday Sis!!! May all your wishes come true though I doubt it would happen, I still pray for it. Another year gained meaning more heartaches and heartbreaks but some happiness and victory. Wish yours is equally even or more to the good side.... Whatever happens, always remember the things you still got instead of the things you've lost and the things gained from the pain and the things learned from the happiness~~

Today is such a nice day; I really had fun with everyone. Thank you everyone~~
But everything went down the drain when a stupid sponteneous action of mine turned out to be... STUPID and need I say more? The result is HIDEOUS. I'm still trying to repair the damage which I doubt I would able to do in a short time. Oh, boy!!!! This week's gonna be ugly.... But of course with some miracle, and if the world is a kinder place than I thought, then there will be slight chance that everything will be ok... Please be OK!!! I need this so much!! This is something I just couldn't give up even if I break~~

Okay.... I've picked up some quotes which I like... (about age, love, friendship etc...)
Tell me what you think and which one you found cute or deep etc~~

~from our birthday, until we die, is but the winking of an eye
*love this one!! so true and the choice of words are just up to my taste~~)

~knowledge speaks but wisdom listens
*deep indeed~~

~being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
*I have doubt about this one...

~ the heart has reasons that reasons does not understand
*I agree 120%; sometimes what our heart want and what our mind think we should have; is not the same thing~~

~the sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love
*So true!!! Love is a roller coaster ride that you didn't even decide to ride

~it is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
*So true; they do say-->Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold

~true happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice
*Just what I'm doing. I might not have many friends but I know which one's a true one~~

~if you judge people, you have no time to love them
*i'm trying~~

~a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out
*I would do the same for the one who had been through my thick and thin..

~what makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.
*My brother told me he likes it; it's from Hellboy. And I do think it's kinda nice~~

~gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love
* I seriously think Newton will agree to this =D

~how on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love
*most of the time, feelings can't be explain with numbers, equations etc: it's the matter of the heart =3

~it doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love
*no matter what, the first step in everything is to try; so does love I think....

~do you love me because I am beautiful,or am I beautiful because you love me?"
* I'm saving this to say to my 'Mister' ^_~

~LOVE: The irresistable desire to be irresistibly desired
*Complicated but I like it; it's true~~

~my grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.
* And we can never stop licking no matter how many times we got hurt, right? =D

~when you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams
* EXACTLY what I'm thinking today!!!! In the end, dreams are just dreams no matter how beautiful and sweet it it!! Reality sucks but I rather have it than having something unreal~~

~If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back theyd never ask you to.
*So true!!!! But when we love them, so we give them things to show a token of our love and appreciation~~

~We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
*I'll definately say this when I meet my 'Mister' =3

~I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.
*Agreed!!! Been there, done that (still there, still doing that).. Haha

~To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world
*Again, something I would definately say to my 'Mister' =3

I'm Happy!!!!!

2009-10-30T21:56:00.000+09:00

I just finished my presentation that took almost 2 weeks to finish. I managed to do everything quite well despite my fever. I was wearing mask all the time since 'fear of infection'. Too late becasue my sensei was already infected with 'my virus' and now he's the one whose dowm with flu. Gomen nasai, Sensei!!!

Yeah!! I'm a free man (for a while!!!) Tomorrow, we will be going to Tsuyama for their Kousen Sai(Open College?). Yeah Yeah!!! It's been quite some time since I go out and just enjoy myself. I'm still tired because I couldn't sleep at all last night but I'm too excited to sleep just by thinking of tomorrow.... =3

Plus, I just finished tallking with Yuudai on the phone; he just passed his 2nd stage exam!!!! OMG!! I was so happy for him and I really hope and pray he could get through the last stage. (Yuudai!!! Ganbare!!!) We talked for almost half an hour; about everything, as always. Yuudai is a very nice person ... He supported me through my thick and thin and I'm planning to do the same.

I'm so happy today despite the long boring presentations. Now, those endless days of going through the books, facing the computers, staying back till dark at the lab, no proper sleep or rest, the headaches and the heartaches; the victory, the relief and the setback , the anxiety;; everything seem so far away and so meaningful; a nice memories made through hardship. =D

　失ったものがあれば、得られるものもある。。。今の苦労はきっと身のためになる。。。

Buzy Bumble Bee

2009-10-24T23:19:00.000+09:00

These last few days... weeks had been very busy and tiring for me... I've been busy since I came back from Malaysia and I never got a good rest since. huhu

The moment I reached Matsue, I was busy with moving all of my stuff back into the Girl's Dormitory. I was so tired because a lot happened after I got out from MAS plane. A lot~~ I just wanted to rest but I couldn't.

The next day, I went to school (already???). Yeah, I had to do some paperworks and I had to start my reseacrh again. So everything continued at a very high pace.

After that was Kousen Sai. (Open College??) We decided to cook Mee Tomyam. The preparation was very time comsuming and I had to do my research at the same time. So I was so so so...... very tired when it was over.

Of course I didn't get to rest much because after that comes the presentation for our research. That's what keeping me very buzy right now. We have to prepare the thesis and powerpoint; all in Japanese. I discovered something; looking at both Japanese and English will hurt your head; like hell. My data was in English (some Japanese) but I have to read everything and re-write everything in Japanese. God, my head hurts!!!!!

Of course after this presentation, there will be more events and things to do. I am so so tired and I really really want a nice long rest. But I know it won't be coming for quite sometime. @_@

And I really miss talking to my sister!!!!! I know she's buzy too.. But I really miss talking to her.... And it's just been a week? since we last talked... I hope we can find a suitable time for both of us soon.... I have so many things to tell her .. O(>.<)O

Ganbare, atashi!!!!!

2009-09-14T16:52:00.000+09:00

Today I gave Asano his present. He seemed to like it and he thanked me. Momi already recovered from flu and he's up and about again. Nakka didn't come today; no one heard anything from him. I didn't go the Downstair Lab so I didn't meet sensei. I stayed at Upstair Lab for a while before heading to Y-Shop (our conbini) to buy something to eat for 'buka puasa'.

I decided to make 'Creamy Mushroom Spaghetti' so I bought the instant Mushroom Soup. This is my own 'too lazy to cook' recipe. I think it's quite good and it doesn't need anything, just hot water; how easy is that?

After that I cleaned my 'temporary' room. Tomorrow I will be going out to buy some things before going back so I won't have the time for cleaning tomorrow. My bus to Kansai Airport is at 10.30 pm. But I will be going to the eki(station) around 8 becasue the last bus from kousen to eki is at 8. I'll 'lepak' around the eki until 10.30. After that, I can just sleep on the bus. Hehehe. Can't wait to go back~~

My Sunday

2009-09-13T18:16:00.000+09:00

My Sunday is worst than my Saturday. Last night was 'Bleach Night' again... God, I love Bleach and I'm really into it right now. Beware!!! The Revival of The Otaku in Me.. Wahahaha... I managed to catch up until the latest episode. Of course, I watched it after finishing the war with my luggage.

I never realized I was going back for just a week (10 days to be precise). But when my sister told me 'the ugly truth', I was shocked because I was packing my stuff for 2 weeks. The truth hit me hard; I thought I will be able to 'enjoy' for quite some time but a week? What was I thinking when I bought the tickets? Oh, right.. I wasn't... (sigh). I was too caught up with my exams and research.... (sigh again) Well, you don't always get what you want; might as well make use of what you get..

So, after my 'Sleepless Night in Matsue', I still cannot sleep in the morning because the people from KuroNeko(courier service) will be coming to pick up my bag. They said they will be coming in the morning. So I waited, and waited and waited but even when the clock showed 12, they never come. So I went to the office, and met Katsukabe Sensei who was on duty. He knew they will be coming and he too was worrying why they're not here yet. So he made a few calls and 5 minutes later, the guy came and took my bag. Bye bye, me baggy... See you in the airport in 2 days... =D

After that, I slept for a while and even when I woke up, I did nothing. I watched Sekai No Hate Made Itte Q, my favorite tv show. Funny as always. Then I found out my fav sensei is the sensei on duty tonight. There was nothing much to do so I just watched TV.

Tomorrow I have my dentist appoinment and after that maybe I'll drop by the lab to give Asano, my research member his birthday present. I hope he'll like what I've got for him.

So, there's nothing much to write here or pictures to show. But I will introduce a few songs from the anime 'Bleach'. I like them and maybe you will too.

To: Mimie... This is the song I told you about before you went back.

Song by Stereo Pony; ヒトヒラのハナビラ。Love the lyric~~

Till next time, see ya later~~

My Saturday

2009-09-12T18:36:00.000+09:00

Last night was my ‘Bleach Night’. I decided if I was too tired; I would sleep. If I’m not I will pack my bag; I need to send them to Kansai Airport this Sunday. But being me, which is I was never good with making plan and following them; I went to my beloved laptop and after looking through my hard drive; I realized I’ve downloaded lots of Bleach episodes but never get the time to see them. That’s how ‘Bleach Night’ started. I watched more than 30 episodes and by the time I was done; it was already morning!!!!

~~~Warning: Otaku Zone~~~

I forgot how much I love Bleach and last night I was reminded why I like it in the first place. Everything about Bleach spells ‘cool’ and ‘kakkoi’ and ‘everything great and nice’. Hahaha.. Of course sometimes there are a few boring fights and sometimes you wondered isn’t that guy look like from another anime? Or isn’t his sword look like some weapon from another story? Well, there are a few weakness there but overall everything is great; the fight, the heart-breaking scene, the joke, the witty remarks and the ‘boke’ and ‘tsukkomi’ = NICE.

Like any other anime, the longer the story is, more characters come out. But unlike other anime who just concentrated on the ‘main characters’, Bleach was a world for everyone. Everyone have their own past, everyone is somehow related in a direct or indirect ways and for the first time since I started watching anime, I actually have more than one or two favorite character. Usually my favorite character is one from the good guy and one from the bad guy. But in Bleach, it’s hard not to love everyone; probably because everyone have their story and everyone’s story is told (in details) and you couldn’t help falling for them when you know their story no matter how sad, how twisted or how lame. Plus, not that I’m bragging but when if you can understand Japanse, the words they used and the sentences; the effect is deeper than reading subtitles. Only at times like this, I can honestly say “I’m glad that I’ve learned Japanese..”

~~~End of Otaku Zone~~~

Of course after no night sleep; I was so tired and I slept; until noon. After I woke up, I did my laundry and started packing. There’s one thing I’ve realized; no matter how big your bag is (mine is very big = gedabak), it’s never enough. I thought I’ve limited things to bring back but only when I arrange them in a pile, I realized: truth never seems so intimidating. And because I’m not a good ‘packer’, in fact me packing = throwing everything into something and zip it up. My younger sister; both of them are excellent ‘packer’. They can fold up and squish anything in any bag and what took me one bag will only cost them half the bag. Yes, sometimes I feel jealous and I tried to pack ‘carefully’ but usually I give up midway; I was never the ‘perseverance’ type.

After finished packing (halfway), I decided to go out for a walk, buy food for ‘buka puasa and ‘sahur’, and maybe take some pictures while I’m on it. It was raining this morning and when I was out; it was cloudy. The weather just affects me and I entered the ‘blue’ mood. Today is Saturday, I was alone in the dormitory, my studies are not going so well, plus all the other ‘not so happy things’ and the blues just get to me. But while I was walking, suddenly there was a strong wind and when I looked up; the wind was blowing away the grey clouds and the bright sky slowly appear; it was breathtaking. I took a few pictures of it. And I was up and about once again. It was like nature was trying to tell me; behind grey cloud, there’s always the bright sky; it will surely come out after all the rain.

From The Gate

From Dormitory

When I came back, I meet Yamane Sensei; he seemed like he wanted to talk with me but I wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone (except some people) so I just talk a little with him and when to my room. I did a little packing, did nothing ( what me n my sister like to call ‘nganga’) and surf the Net while waiting for Maghrib. This is my ‘feast’ for tonight and for ‘sahur’.

Mini Maru Soumen, Donbei Soba, Anman (Pau Kacang Merah)

Nothing much because I don’t have the mood to cook or even to think about what to cook. All I could think right not is what to ‘ask’ my Mom to cook for me… Can’t wait to go back!!!! There’s no place like home and there’s no food like home meal~~~

My 2nd post and I think I will like this blog writing routine. It's making me 'move around' to find things to write and pictures to show. It's a good motivetion to get me out of my room.

Till next time, see ya later~~

2009-09-11T21:38:00.000+09:00

My own blog~~
My first post~~
Hooray!!!!

Finally i managed to get over my 'identity crisis' and after a 'push' from my 悪友 aka Partner in Crime; Mimie, i decided to start my blog tonight; the night Mimie go back to Msia and leave me here alone... huhuhu

As some may know, i really like to write (stories etc) so now that i have my own blog, i cannot wait to write some of the things i've experienced and how i feel...
(of course after a proper censorship; i still need some privacy, right?)

Today is friday, 2009.09.11. Early this morning me and Mimie went to 島根大(Shimane University)... Not to play of have fun but to take entrance exams. the course i took was Material Process. There was only me and another Japanese guy (lucky me!!)

I think i did find. after we finished everything and came back to kousen, i went to see my fav sensei which is my research sensei (Niinobe Sensei) and i showed him the question and how i did it. he said my answer was better than he had expected but who knows, right? the result will be out this 18, which is the day the result for yamagata university will be coming out. Two in a row!! Kowai!!!!!

After that, Mimie and I had a nice day out. we went to our favorite shopping place 'Shimamura' and after that we decided to go to karaoke for a while; an hour. When we were about to enter the room i noticed that my sensei and a few of my reserch member were in the next door. what a coincidence~~

We had quite some nice time singing and we finally found our 'theme song'. It's 'Long Kiss Goodbye' by Halcali. Some people might know this song if they have the same hobby as i am: anime. It's the ending song for Naruto Shippuden. I really love the song so i told Mimie about it and she liked it too. We sang it and we decided it's the best song for our theme song.

After that we went to our favorite family restaurant; Joyful!!! We ate and as a treat to ourself, we ordered dessert. American Cheese Cake for Mimie and Milk Crepe for me. Yummy~~

Then we went back and Mimie packed her stuff and she left for Osaka. I was feeling so alone when my keitai rang. Guess who??

Hint: the only person who can make me laugh and feel everything's gonna be fine no matter how bad the situation is. Answer: Yuudai. He really knows when to call me or to leave me alone. Thanks Yuudai!!! I feel better after talking to him. Poor Yuudai is down with flu. He'll be having his exam on the 20th. Hope he can get well before the exam. Ganbare, Yuudai~~

Anyway, that's all for today. See ya later~~